Another Black Holiday

He was gone, really gone, it finally hit me right then and there. Driving in my car right as the music faded and the rain started to fall, watching as the sky changed and the storm moved in, i knew i was not going to make it to the city and spend New Years with my friends there. At the moment my phone rang. Home, it said. I answered and only heard, "He's Gone". Now things had changed, and everything just would not be the same. As the storm picked up my new destination was to get home. The storm turned from rain to snow pure white and very slowly started to cover out the color of the world. As i got closer and closer to home the sound of sadness could not be drowned out no matter how fast i drove, or how loud the music was. As i pulled in to the snow covered driveway a hush fell over the household, i knew that when i walked in it would not be the same household that i left hours before. And that the late nights of not being able to sleep would be fueled by sadness rather than concern and care as we watched over him. The door open, tears in my families eyes, the stairs seemed to go on forever. His room held the feel and smell of death as he laid there motionless on his bed. "He wanted something to eat, and by the time i got back he was just gone" my mother said. His skin just hung on his bones, and he really didnt look like himself at all. As my hand touched his cold empty hand my eyes filled with sadness. The time had just slowed to a shattering stop. The family comforts one another, and then slowly leaves the room. I just need to be alone and go find a place alone in the house to just sit and think. Time drags on for what seems like days even though i know its still not the new year yet. My mom announces that they will be here soon to pick him up. As well all pay our last respects and pray, death shows up in human form. Death wearing black and dark clothing, floats in, asks the mandatory questions and goes to collect their soul. They bring in their cart, and carry him over to it, asking for a bit of assistance with their newly collected soul. Why i thought would i help Death? i thought as i just stood their, i couldnt move anyway, why would i want to move to help them. They get the soul on the cart as it makes a horrible screeching sound when the soul is placed upon deaths cart. They say their last words, and cover him up. It looks so much different in really life than on tv or movies, i thought. they took him out even thought the aura of death still filled the house. One of death's collectors had forgot his coat and i followed out to the car to hand it to him and had to watch as He was put into the back. Death thanked me for the coat, and then was gone, i walked slowly up the snowcovered side walk telling myself not to look back, but to keep looking forward. We all went back to our spots and just sat in silence as the darkness crept into the house. As the new year started to creep up emotions ran a bit freer and then i looked for an escape and found a friend and a bar to drink to life, death, memories, and a better days.

"And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
'Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
'Cause everyone is forgiven now
'Cause tonight's the night the world begins again"

RIP - Norbert Boehler 1919-2009

Winter Break

Oh medicated breaks deff mean that it is christmas time, one of the only ways to get through the holiday season with the family, helps me sleep thru the night with out the nightmares, for the most part, stay calm during the day while still be able to get thru it. Very nice for the holiday season. It takes a lot of stress out of the month of so when i am at home.

With parents dealing with my sexuality
My grandpa that is barely making it thru the night
And a bunch of family all in the house, never really getting a min to myself ever.

Never really sleeping very much the past week due to taking care of grandpa, and screaming kids. even with pm meds it sometimes does not help.

But ill make it thru this break, somehow, i just hope it ends well for all of us.

Where was i for this???

So this thanksgiving i guess i can be thankful for being the last to be told that once im done with college i wont have a place to call home. My sister has been looking for a house for the past two years, since she has gone back to school and couldnt hold a job go to school and pay for a house. Now she is done with school has some loans paid back and now out and working. So she has been looking for a house, hasnt found something that works for her, so she came home and asked dad if she could buy the house from them. He said yes and the papers have been signed and everything is now in motion. Now my parents are looking to downsize to a smaller house for just them and my grandfather.

I had no idea that any of this was taken place until my other sister brought it up randomly, and it was then explained to me. And i found out that home would no longer be home any more. And that when my lease for my house runs out here at college, i will be out of school and have no place to live. So buy Aug i will need to get every thing under control, find a place to live and a job to support myself.

Lets go Dating

So its about time to get back on the date train. Go out, have fun, and meet some great guys. And honestly there are two very different guys out there right now. I have one who just happens to be almost twice my age, and even tho he is older than i am he seems great, has fun, great personality, and i can actually talk to him about things, and it just not all about sex with him. And even though he has a fun kid side to him, there is not that high school drama thing that people tend to have as well. No little drama is a good thing. The only bad thing is that he is quite a bit older than me. Only if i was older or he was a bit younger, than things would be great. We have kissed and there seemed to be some thing nice there, the age thing still bothers me a bit, but honestly i would like to spend some more personal time with him and get to know him better and see where things go from there.

Then there is the guy who i work with, and he is still kinda young, and not by age, more so by mentality. There is a lot that he still has not been thru, as well as he does have a ex that things and wrapped up and tangled and confusing. I have been down the road before. So he is also someone that i work with. And i have never really seen people that work together, unless they are married, work out too well. And then when things are done, then you still have to work with them. When you still have to work with them things can get awkward and messy. So he is nice and great and we have gotten to spend some personal time with him a few times. We have gotten close when we have spent time together, but still havent kissed. I feel like that will set the ball into motion really fast, and honestly i dont think either one of us are ready for that.

I think that there is someone out there, i just have to look a little bit, work on who i am, and be a bit more confident in my personality, and work on a few things. But i feel like i will find someone. Just need to figure out what i am doing in life a bit first.

Ianto or Jack, which is which again?

So something i have wondering the past few months was if i am more of a

Ianto, trying to find a nice older guy that i can show my vulnerable side to and he can take care of me. Finding someone that is a bit mysterious but is mentality strong, at the same time being the one who has fun and knows how to run business when it needs to happen. Much more of a subtle humor.

Or if i am

Jack, a strong mysterious guy, a bit closed off, looking for a guy that can make me laugh with subtle humor, and be able to be open with me. I can be a strong person for him during times of need. And then when the time comes have to be looked up to and set an example. And be there to help him out when i need to.

Honestly right now im kinda a mix between the two, so im not sure if im looking for a Ianto or a Jack right now. Some days its one and some days its the other.

Where was i for this???

So this thanksgiving i guess i can be thankful for being the last to be told that once im done with college i wont have a place to call home. My sister has been looking for a house for the past two years, since she has gone back to school and couldnt hold a job go to school and pay for a house. Now she is done with school has some loans paid back and now out and working. So she has been looking for a house, hasnt found something that works for her, so she came home and asked dad if she could buy the house from them. He said yes and the papers have been signed and everything is now in motion. Now my parents are looking to downsize to a smaller house for just them and my grandfather.

I had no idea that any of this was taken place untill my other sister brought it up randomly, and it was then explained to me. And i found out that home would no longer be home any more. And that when my lease for my house runs out here at college, i will be out of school and have no place to live. So buy Aug i will need to be on my own two feet, with a steady job, one that will kick start the rest of my life. As well as have my own place to live. I need to be completely independent by then with a steady financial income.

So honestly im kinda freaking out about everything from graduation to what kind of job im going to get, to where im going to live after Aug. And then after all of that i still have to be able to pay back my school loans. With so much change that is happening in the next year i am very unsure about life. not sure whats going to happen. Part of me is ok with not knowing. But the other half is freaking out enough for both parts of me.

Ranting and Raving

I decided to make a list of things that make me hate life, from today, and then things that i like today

Things i hate:
Student Loans
Stupid Studio Projects that even the professor hates
Small Dogs
Doors that dont work
Stupid people, when things are common sense, everyone should know it.
certain people that get on my nerves

Things i like:
Free Hug Friday People
Great amazing tv shows
parents helping out
Amazing breakfast food for lunch

Things that will make me happen this weekend:
Mini Porch Party
Cuddle time, and some talk time
Movies that i have been needing to see
Amazing November Movies (and maybe some Christmas ones as well)


Thats all for now.

Somedays i really hate this...

Somedays i really hate being gay, somedays i really would like to be straight. Just what the perceived normal relationship is a guy and a girl. I am sometimes almost jealous of those who are in a hetero relationship. I see those people and i wish that i could have something like that, but i know that if i tried i would just my lying to myself as well as my partner. And then i ask myself "well what do you want in that relationship?" usually its the guy of the relationship. Which just further more points out that a relationship like that will not work for me.

I just wish that somedays that i could be not gay. It would be so much easier for me for just life. I wouldnt have to worry about losing family and friends, and i could talk openly about the person that i meet that im head over heels for with my mom and dad. Instead my dad doesnt want to hear anything about this "passing phase" that im in, and my mom only steps in, when im sad about a relationship, which has only happened once, and she really didnt want to know about the relationship itself, just why i was sad and what she could do to help.

I just hate this somedays, it makes sure that i know that it is going to keep me from having a successful relationship with certain family and friends. And for that i hate this.

Somedays i wish i could go back and start life all over. Maybe things would be different, who knows, but sometimes i wonder.

Missing.....

I know.... well maybe i dont, but i am missing people being in my life, many which had an influence on my life, and helped me out more than they will ever know, and some have no idea that they helped me out, but they did.

I feel like i need to reach out again to those people, so they can have some part in my life again.... gosh that sounds quite selfish of me. But i miss having them in my life. And honestly i dont know what i would do if they werent a part of my life back then.

As well as i do miss the first few years of college, things seemed simple then, with the friendships and the fun times. most of which have come and gone. which just futher reminds me how much things have changed over the past few years and closely approaching the real world. Part of which scares me, and other parts which just excite me. I mean working day in and out, go to work, come home, make dinner, tv and bed. honestly thats just not that life for me. I need something a bit more active where i am moving a bit more, and going places.

I know i am freaking out quite a bit but honestly, i have felt like things are slowly falling apart around me. But im not just watching by any means, im fighting back, and kicking some butt and taking names. Its a constant juggling act right now. And i feel like i have lost some great contact with some great friends.

I really need to start those back up. Working on the list right now of people that influenced my life that i would like back in my life.... and go.....

What am i thinking....

Why?

Why something so stupid, it was so easy to before, but now i realize that was only the start of things.

When we were together it was like a constant battle between us, and would hate the fighting and the back and forth of everything. With the bad times that just took over and i could not take all the hurt and just cut the last cord. With that when everything that i ever knew, the group of friends, carefree times, and a person who knew me better than pretty much anyone.

I do miss the whole realationship part of life right now. But i know that soon will pass like always. But im left asking myself, do i miss him, or everything that i lost when it all ended. Part of me says one thing, and the other half says the something else.

I do miss that friendship that i could just talk to someone about pretty much anything, and hangout and be ok with everything. And laugh, have fun, and enjoy life.

Part of me now thinks that i really dont have anyone to talk to about a bunch of stuff that is going on in life, because at this point in time i dont feel like i have anyone around me that i can relate close to or them to me. I feel like most of my guy friends dont get where i coming from and the gay ones, are at a whole different level, and the girls i can only relate to at a certain point. I have very few people that i can relate to, and jake was someone that was at the same level and point that i was, even tho we are different we still got and understood each other.

And as far at the intimate relation, i feel like that it was right where it should have been, i with being with both guys and girls, i feel like it wasnt too much, not enough, or awkward which i have had before. And im not just talking about the sex, im talking about being alone with each other, or in some cases just being close.

I feel stupid for even thinking about him and the whole situation that goes with it. Its like a fucking addiction. One that wasnt that hard to overcome at first, but now it wont let me go any further and has me at a crosshold.

I would just like it to go away and just leave me the hell alone already. I had moved on with my life, but its back with vengeance.

So just leave me alone already.

What about another year

Ill be honest...

the real world scares me to death. There are days in which i would love to be out in the real world doing amazing things. And other times that i have no clue what i am going to do when i get out into the real world.

I am honestly thinking about another year in college picking up some minors and such while i have a bit more time to add upon what i would like to do when i get to the real world, as well as try to let the recession start to let up on its death grip. I would love to pick up a few languages, the first two would be German and Spanish. As well as add onto my urban planning minor with things such as sustainability, transit, and neighborhood/community planning.

And when i get out into the real world part of people knows that i might just fall flat on my face. Which i am glad i have my job right now to keep me stable. i know that it will be there when i need to go back to something. But looking down the road im not sure if i want to be an Urban Planner, other things that i have thought about is to do something with a youth group, but i know that would be hard with me being gay and all. And then even other things would be dealing with the paranormal and such, which i do love by all means, im just not sure that it is me. There are some other things but all of them are just floating right now. I just feel confused by a lot of things right now. And part of me justs wants that extra year to think things thru. But at the moment im like do i even want another year, or would i even make it thru another year???

Too much to think about at this point ill have to think about this at another point, once i have gotten more information upon the subject at hand and talked to a few people about all of it.

VBS

Well the first week of Aug has come and gone and with it was VBS for my church. Well lets just say that it was awesome and painful at the same time. Things were crazy for the whole week and trying to keep to a time schld with everyone and everything running around was hard as hell. From yelling at the church for lack of support to finally getting it, and then being the one that takes the blame for when something goes wrong, but gets very little in return. Thats what VBS was like for me.

But in the end i think it was worth it because of the kids, if i remember correctly we had 27 kids saved during VBS which is great. I feel like i have made some kind of difference for the time being. Which is great, i have wanted to make a difference in kids life, and get them on the right track for things in life.

And i do feel like i was able to do it and still be gay and that didnt make a difference at all, even though some people knew it didnt seem to effect them at all. I think this is pretty great. Or at least a great start of things to come down the road.

All in All VBS was an all out hell, but i dont think i would have done it differently at all. Not sure i will ever do it again tho. Maybe something with older kids, more so from middle school to highschool.

Please give me one good reason why

SC2 push, one of the biggest competions of the summer for work.

I almost dont know where to start, i just kinda hate the whole thing, and wonder why could God let shit like this happen and just not do anything about it.

With close friends having such a hard time with life, having family problems, relationship problems, and dealing with losing close people all at the same time. Sometimes i have a really hard time wrapping my mind around why the hell God would let something like that happen.

I wish i could go up there and just call Him out on stuff and ask why and how He could just let that happen to people. In these times i do have a very tough time talking to God, cause usually Im yelling at Him. And i know that He will just sit there and let me yell, which sometimes i want Him to yell right back at me. Just so i know that its not all in vain and that there was a purpose for all of the bad things that happen to people. So when i do tell them that there is a reason for it all and that it will be ok, that i believe it that it really will, instead of think of how the hell im going to help them thru this, and hope blindly that something will work out.

All i ask for in times like these, is just one. One reason. One at all that will give me a reason why, or a glimpse that everything WILL really be ok in the end.

And i have to give people credit for the strength that some of my close friends have showed over the past few weeks. I know that i prob could have not have handled that much in my life all at once.

Love Won Out - aka what a joke

Recap [ So Im at Love Won Out right now just finished with the first part on male homosexuality and it was a joke. Making one semi valid point then 8, crazy, non-valid points. Ill have to go into more detail later. Just some stuff for now though.... Homosexuality being a condition/orientation. And then when talking about how all other sins should be the same (valid point) saying sins such as adultery, rape, and incest along with homosexuality (are we trying to make a link here, i guess thats a more of a sale techquine but same principles) more to come later]

Well that was just the first part, then came the break out sessions

Faith Under Fire

This one was talking about how anything talking about anything gay should be kept from being taught in schools, such as gay relationships and gay sex, and in depth gay psychology. And how teaching young kids about these things and pressing the gay issues on them is wrong. Now dont get me wrong, i dont think 6yr olds should know all the ins and out of sex in graphic detail (no pun intended). I do feel like people should be able to get both sides of everything and then be able to choose for themselves.

Gay Marriage

Ya just stupid, they said that if gay marriage was allowed that it would open doors like marrying animals and, relitives marrying each other, and people marrying underage kids. Yada Yada Yada, just a bunch of stupid stuff. And saying how the first Gay couple to get married choose to keep an open relationship, (not the best start to the first gay marriage) But i guess its better than cheating behind your sposes back. As well as many people are getting devorced these days so what kinda of holy tradition are we ruining.

Youth Break Out

They deff. mind fuck the young ones here. Talking about their relationship with God, when most kids this age are already going through trials with religion and such, and then adding Gay upon that, and asking them upon that makes things worse. Then later they talked about gender roles and how certain where male and others were female, and how the guys should focus on the male roles (responible, steady, stong, head of house) and the girls should focus on the female role (caring, nuturing, emotional, and such) They asked us which fits us best, i said that im right in the middle. and they asked which gender roles i had, i said, well everyone has all of them, it just depeneds to what ammount, if a guy has more female roles, that doesnt make him gay, and if a girl has more male roles that doesnt make her lesbian. but they tried to play it off like it did, and if you focused on your own gender roles hard enough that it would fit you. So between that and just spewing bible verses out there ass to tell them being gay is wrong

Exodus International

aka Gay Fixing, they dont like the term, Ex-gay, they feel like they were never gay, that they just stuggled with same-sex attaction. (wait isnt that Gay???) and yes i do think everyone deals with this in some fashion, or having a currious moment in your life about the same sex, i believe that everyone has them, and thats ok. But srly, trying to not be Gay that really doesnt work, and God bless those who it does work for and such. But sadly for most, it just messes thier lives up more.


So in the end i want to talk about some people that were there -
There was one lady that found out her husband was seeing a guy behind her back, (sad yes) mainly cause socitiey and religion has told him that is bad and wrong. She confronted her husband about it, and he denied it, so she came to the conference to get help for him, and pray for him. (PS he is prob not going to change unless he wants to)
Another girl said she was stuggling with same-sex attraction for a while, trying to run away from it and then embracing it, and then saying it wasnt for her, and talked about rasing a child and how she couldnt tell the child about Jesus and God when she was living a life of sin.

These were just a few of my thoughts (just scratching the surrface of it all) upon the whole conference. I will have to post more about it later.

Gay & Helping in Church

So i must say things are quite odd this summer with being involved with the church. For those who dont know i am directing VBS for my church this summer, yes a gay man running VBS (insert objections here). If only the whole church knew they would prob freak out, which might be enjoyable to a certain point. But yes a gay man running something for little kids in the church, gasp what might happen, ill prob teach them all how to be gay gasp.

But sarcasim aside i think its great that kids have a place to go, even though its a bit a stressful thing setting something like this up, i do have to say, it should be worth it. It should be a nice little bandaid for the church.

And then still my mom would like me to go to this conference that is Love Won Out, its a crazy conference about being gay and the chruch, and basically make a decent point followed by 3 crazy points. Its would be great to sit and laugh at them, and then walk out and sit with the Pflag members outside eat cookies and such.

It should be interesting and ill keep ya updates with everything

New Life Outlook

counseling time once again. I do enjoy going, mainly cause it me hanging out with a friend and talking about life and such, i dont have to bitch about horrible things or have my life ripped apart as i talk about every little thing.

So we just sit and talk, toady go to talking about praying, since he had to talk about it in a few days. I said personally i dont feel like i have to schld a time to pray about things, and that i dont need to bow my head and close my eyes and pray out loud everytime that i eat. It feels like that there is no relationship in that, it feels more so that you are just showing off to everyone around you as to how christian that you are. And using that to justify that you are "godly". For me its talking to a friend and i can just talk to Him whenever. I dont need to schld a time to talk to Him or talk to him in front of other people to show them how christian i am. I feel like the church has put so much pressure on everyone to be perfect and to look down upon those who arent. When i feel like the "real christians" are those who have been through something and know that everyone isnt perfect and can still accept them for that fact. I do have some people in the church that are like this, they seem rare but some people are ok with the fact.

Well after all of that i was driving home and the fog from Minneapolis has lifted. It was like seeing everything for the first time. And just thinking about life i must say that i have a new found idea on life, that is taking more risks and stepping out on the ledge by doing more things, mainly instead of asking why, ask why not. that way i will be able to do more things in life and have stories to tell my kids about what i did in my day. But after all of this i think that life could be much more fun.

Minneapolis aka Falling in Love all over again

So i fell in love all over again, and i would like to thank Minneapolis.

I wasnt sure about a lot of things in my life but now i am.

Lets just put this into perspective, my major has kinda been draging on for a while now, but i wasnt gonna give up on it. I was going to hold out and make it through. I planned on going to Minneapolis for the APA (American Planning Assoc.) Conference for my major, and i thought that it would be boring but at least i would be away from school and party a bit with my classmates. Well Minneapolis started off like every other trip, shop, party, makeout with locals, and enjoy the city. Then the conference really started and man was it just AMAZING i loved everything about it. From talking to people about planning and networking with people. And still having the night life but adding hanging out with professors and alums.

I found out that i didnt have to change to much about me to be part of the working world in the world of urban planning. And i became REALLY excited to get out into the world and start my job.

So that is why i have falling in love again.... with my major. The only sad part is that when we left Minneapolis i have felt like i have been in a fog or mist ever since. And it just wont clear, at all. Hopefuly it goes away sometime soon.

Well thats all for now.

My Career Choices

Career, something that i want, not just a job, a job is what you do to live, a career is what you love & live to do. And part of me just isnt sure what i do want to do with my life. Dont get me wrong, i love urban planning, but im not sure i will enjoy it for the rest of my life.

There is one thing that i would love to do, that is paranormal investigation, but one, i dont think im mentally ready for something like that. And two im not sure how that would provide a steady income for me. I love paranormal stuff, and have seen some pretty crazy things, part of me wants to diver head first in, but part of my is just not ready for it. Things need to be in order and i need a strong base before i get into the heavy side of the paranormal. And then the fact is how would income work for that, there would be times in which income would be slow and then prob a few times where there would be none at all. Its almost like i would need another job to support my career.

Who knows, ill write more later im tired.

And off I Go?

I dont know what im gonna do after college, and it scares me a bit, part of me just wants to go off to a big city somewhere far from family at home for a while. Just so i can be myself for once and not have people freaking out about it all the time. At the same time knowing that i have a pile of loans that i have to pay off after college isnt exciting at all either. So part of me wants to stay in college get a few minors and then go. Im not sure about anything just yet. Why does it all have to be sooo confusing about what to do.

Adding to the List

Nathan Fillion















Johnny Lee Miller



















Rupert Penry-Jones

50 Things you must do....

Found this list of 50 things you must do to be gay, ill see which ones i have done prob make comments on others. Also this was not written by me which mean that i may or may not agree with everything one the list, just thought it was interesting and a nice way to waste some free time.

1. Out yourself.
This is kind of fundamental, so if you haven't done it yet, go do it now. Go on. We'll Wait.
(Kinda, do i get half points???)

2. Dance on a podium with your shirt off.
This is most likely to occur at a nightclub or dance party, but score extra points for doing it at your sister's wedding. Being swept up in the music, the crowd, and being half naked is what they mean by the term 'gay abandon'.
(On a podium, yes, without my shirt no. to me this seems more like, "one time when i was drunk" story, so for me it will prob happen)

3. Call it 'product'.
One day it was hair gel, the next it was product. What changed? You went gay, that's what.
(Been there done that)

4. Measure yourself.
Curiosity got the better of you and you took a ruler to your privates. Then ego got the better of you and you added an inch.
(Doesnt every guy do this at some point or another)

5. Sleep with your ex-boyfriend.
Most of us have done this. Those of you who haven't
slept with your ex-boyfriend have probably slept with mine. Slut. It's not only an easy lay, it's a good way to find out exactly how over him you really are.
(Ummm ya havent done that, dont plan on it)

6. Pay too much for clothes.
You paid $270 for a cotton T-shirt bearing the slogan "poor white trash". Ever heard the term 'the pink dollar'? What about 'sucker'?
(Yes sadly i have)

7. See a shrink.
There's nothing wrong with asking for help. Besides, who else will sit and listen to you talk about you for 55 minutes?
(If you read my blog you will know that i do. And yes it is great to talk to someone)

8. Bring your boyfriend home to meet Mom and Dad.
You dressed him, told him what he could and couldn't say, then threw him to the lions - I mean, your parents. If he was a stuttering mess it was probably your fault. Next time, ease him in with a brother or sister.
(If i ever brought a guy home now, and my mom thought he was gay, she would prob kill him, doesnt even have to be a BF)

9. Seriously ask someone, "Does this make me look gay?"
It's one thing to use the word 'gay' as an adjective, but another when it becomes derogatory. How many of us are horrified when our friends turn around and say "Yes"?
(OH ya done that before, lol)

10. Vogue.
From the dance floor to the train, you've struck a pose that optimized your best asset. Namely, your ass. Work it baby, work it!
(Yes i have, not amazing at it, but i guess i can do it, im no Benny Ninja)

11. Go to Mardi Gras.
At some point, everyone should make the pilgrimage to the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras. To be counted. To champion gay rights. To get laid.
(This has always been on my list of things to do, i think everyone should go to mardi gras at least once)

12. Buy expensive underwear.
Gay men don't buy their underwear in economy packs. If you're still spending seven days in Rio, it's time to lay down some cash. Your boyfriend will thank me for it. Right after he gets over the suspicion that you're sleeping with someone with money.
(Yes done that, and dropping some money for it was nice, great comfort)

13. Don't correct the pronoun.
They say "Oh, you're in a relationship? What's she like?" and you reply "She has a penis." You should never intentionally use your sexuality as a punch line - but every now and again it's good for the cause and can be an amusing icebreaker.
(Yep have done this, its kinda a nice way to come out to people who arent going to freak out about it)

14. Have a threesome.
If you believe you're more than one man can handle maybe you should get another one.
(Havent done it, but there is still time. Its one of those things you can say you did you your wild and crazy youthful days)

15. Shave something.
You went with a razor where most men don't. You plucked where no man has been plucked. You waxed above and beyond. Gay much?
(Yep, gay or not, i think ya should at least try it once. hair grows back after all)

16. Pierce something.
In a moment of bravado, you went and put another hole in your body. Bonus point if it was below the neckline and another if it was below the waist.
(Yep, both ears, and thats all im getting)

17. Refuse to date someone because he's an Aries.
And you're a Pisces; it'd never work out long term. Best you find yourself a nice reliable Taurus with their moon in Virgo and settle down in the suburbs.
(Nope, not big into Signs and such, which is weird since i love paranormal stuff)

18. Defend Buffy.
Be it for it's place in gothic culture or it's modern take on a woman trying to balance career and personal goals, you justify watching one of the most frivolous and camp shows on television. It has nothing to do with Angel's upper body.
(Nope, shes cool tho)

19. Cheat.
Yeah, yeah, calm down. I know this isn't exclusive to gay men, but you gotta admit, we do it a little more spectacularly than most.
(Kinda, i was the other man, and once was enough for me)

20. Acquire a fag hag.
More essential than your mobile phone, more fashionable than your Gucci glasses, your fag hag is your mentor, support network and second opinion all wrapped up in one slightly overweight and completely smitten package. Available where most cheesecakes are sold.
(Yes, like 12 times over, lol)

21. Relate to a Kylie song.
You can't get him out of your head, you're shocked by the power of love, but he's the devil you know. Je ne sais pas pourquoi? It all seems to sum up your relationship. Assuming you're fortunate to be in a relationship. I should be so lucky.
(I guess so, is there a song of hers that someone hasnt related to?)

22. Leave.
You must leave the place you were born and reinvent your new gay self somewhere else. From London to Sydney, Sydney to New York, New York to LA. You've been to Paradise, but you've never been to me--er, I mean you.
(Almost to that point, to saying goodbye to home)

23. Forget his name the morning after.
Assuming, of course, he ever told you the night before. If you still want it, there's three ways to get it: ask him to spell it, ask to see the photo on his drivers licence or get him to put his number into your mobile. Of course, these are also good ways to discover if he's remembered yours.
(Nope, im not that crazy)

24. Satisfy someone's curiosity.
"I'm not gay, I'm just curious." Uh-huh. The straight boy community service bonk. Bonus point for getting his tongue in your mouth. Another bonus point for getting his tongue in your bum.
(I wish, but nope, not yet)

25. Sleep with a woman.
If you ever want to find out exactly how gay you are, thy this on for size. Breast assured, you'll know.'
(Nope havent, that would just be all sorts of weird)

26. Join a gym.
Mostly so you can cruise the locker room, but at some point so you can workout - work out that you don't belong there. Buy an Ab-Shaper and some porn. You'll sweat just as much and it'll cost you less.
(Nope, not yet)

27. Believe people are surprised when they learn you are gay. They're not. They're just being polite.
(Yep been there)

28. Work in hospitality.
It's a miracle the Religious Right ever eat out.
(Kinda sorta)

29. Hold hands in public.
Without thinking about the politics or what anyone else thought, you simply took his hand and held it. With that simple act of intimacy you became the only two people on the planet and the rest of the world faded away.
(Kinda, only when they saw no one they knew)

30. Get caught in a compromising position.
Be it by your roommate, your mother, or his boyfriend you were sprung doing something you wouldn't normally see on the Disney channel.
(Oh more than once)

31. Lose your virginity more than once.
You whisper to him "I've never done this before," since you no longer count that worthless ex-boyfriend of yours, the guy you met on-line or that time at the sauna. And hell, it's been so long now it's practically closed over!
(Nope)

32. Perpetuate a myth.
Maybe you can cook. Or you're an flight attendant. Somewhere close to the surface lies an obvious stereotype that belies your sexual identity and explains why you're not married. "Oh, you're a hairdresser. I see*"
(Ummmmm not yet, not one i can think of)

33. Shatter a myth.
But maybe you can play football. Or you're a brickie's labourer. You're an enigma wrapped in a riddle wearing footy shorts. Call me.
(Hmmmm im kinda a geek about stuff)

34. Pay for sex.
Your libido is raging, it's his 'actual photo', it's like dialing a pizza.
(Nope)

35. Have sex in a bathroom.
Classy. Real classy. C'mon guys, location, location, location!
(Yep, more so the shower tho.)

36. Trophy fuck.
The guy everyone used to refer to as 'Oblique Boy' is now referred to as the guy you slept with. Take a bow.
(Nope not yet)

37. Exercise poor judgement.
We all have someone in our past we have trouble justifying. I have two. But the elements conspired and you got involved with a perpetual black mark on your sexual resume. Now let's never speak of it again.
(Kinda, not really bad yet)

38. Make Love.
At some point, let's hope, every gay man gets to do this with the guy he loves. And not just make love, make really good love.
(Yep been there)

39. Claim you're on a caffeine high.
Sure you are.
(Not sure what this one is saying)

40. Sleep with your best friend.
Oops! But it happened and now you need to minimise the fall-out. Avoid expressions like "You're not as good as you always claimed to be" and "Sorry, I was desperate." Bonus point if you retained the friendship and another if it was a threesome with your other best friend.
(Its been close)

41. Fret over the lighting.
There's always that awkward moment when you get back to your place and turn on the lights. It's not that you're worried he's not as cute as he seemed at the club, but whether he's suddenly got an "early meeting".
(Never about guys, always in a Architectural Sense tho)

42. Deny you are gay.
Gay pride is all well and good but on some occasions it's wise to pretend you're straight - at least until that mean old homophobe of a grandfather's dead and you've inherited the cash.
(Yep have done that a few different times)

43. Donate sperm.
You're young, handsome, virile and you can co-ordinate your wardrobe. There should be more of you in the gene pool. And considering all the sperm donations you've received, maybe it's time to give some back.
(Nope)

44. Cut someone's hair.
Our sexuality affords us the presumption to redecorate our friends' apartments, arrange their wardrobes and occasionally, cut their hair. What I love is that the breeders are stupid enough to let us do it.
(My own, does that count?)

45. Can the small talk.
You don't care what he does for a living, where he bought his shirt or his opinion on performance poetry, just take me home. I'm a busy man.
(Yes i have)

46. Wear stilettos.
You may do it every weekend, or maybe you did it once in private, but at some point, those high heels had you under their spell.
(Nope, prob couldnt fit into any)

47. Laugh it off.
Someone in the room made a homophobic joke and you were the first one to laugh. Or maybe you made the joke. Stop taking it all so seriously. We're gay. It's supposed to be fun!
(Yes i love jokes about anything for the most part, if ya cant laugh at yourself what can you laugh at?)

48. Fall in love with a straight guy.
Love is blind - and stupid too. Nothing proves that point more than when we do this to ourselves. If you're questioning his sexuality or sitting there wishing, "If only he was gay*," you need to get over it real quick or subject him to this test.
(Not love, but close, there are a few that are cute)

49. Take it up the butt.
It's not everyone's cup of cocoa but you've gotta do it once to find out.
(Yep, and yes every gay should do this at least once, its call nerve endings, find the right one and everyone is happy.)

50. Be proud.
Stand tall and claim your place in the world. You've come a long way, baby!
(Working on it)



So over all i have 20 that are a yes, and another 11 that i have kinda done, so hald a point for those??? i think thats a good start, so its like 25.5 things that i have done, im over half way. Well see how that goes.

Watching the Storm

The rain slowly starts, the warm breeze blows the smell of a spring rain around me. I breath deeply. The rain adds upon itself as the warmth of the breeze mixes with the coolness of the incoming storm. It grows ever darker with the rain leading the storm to me. The sky seems dark with clouds and the heavy rain falling on the ground. Then the sky lights with color as light shoots across the sky. Its as the sky was painted for a split second as the color reaches to the far stretches of the sky. And then as the darkness rolls back over the sky and the rain continues to fall upon the ground. Then rolls in the sound that wraps around everything. The warmth of the sound fill the darkness with everything covered up with a blanket of sound. Then the darkness is warm while the sky is dimly painted once again with color of light. As the storm moves slowly over me the thunder still comforts me with the sound of warmth as the sky lights less and less, and the rain is a constant sound. With the breeze of a storm as the sounds of the rain lulls me, and the distant color of light painting the clouds ever so slightly with the blanket of thunder wrapping around me as i drift off to sleep.

Counsel Time

Yep it was that time again, and im pretty sure that it was waaaaay over due.

Went to counseling again. It was nice i have to say. It really helps me get some stress out and get quite a few things out in the open. Talking about being gay and how my parents are and how they react to me and all the issues that i have been thru really helps put things into perceptive. It just great sitting and talking to someone with out them judging me that im gay. It almost just hanging out and getting out stress and such. Joe is a great guy, im glad that he doesnt judge me for things. And that he doesnt try to 'fix' me. My mom thinks that i can be fixed. But honestly there is nothing to 'fix'. But ya she doesnt know that its mostly just a stress talk, and very relaxed. Prob if she found out she would send me to one of those gay camp things.

Geezeeeee even the thought makes me shudder a bit. The thought of them trying to 'make me straight'. Talk about some really horrible long lasting effects. Crazyness all over. And the fact that how often does that really work. Just shove the gay back in the closet is more like it. My mom would LOVE that, she just wants to keep it all hush hush and pretend like it never happened. Gah parents, i want to get thru to them in some way.

But ya counseling is nice, but i think going 6 months is a bit too long. i mean i have to drive 2 hrs then an hour session talking about the last 6 months of my life, then a 2 hr drive back. talk about draining. afterwords i feel like i need to have some food and then sleep for the rest of the day. Saddly i couldnt. Gah stupid busy, where is the pause button.

Well the next one is a day in finals week that i have nothing, so it will be sooooo much better and less busy. Nice relaxing day, and the fact that i wont miss two classes in the process.

But ya i have a line up of interesting things post on the blog so stay tuned.

The Making of Me : John Barrowman

A great hour long BBC Special, John Barrowman goes on a journey to discover why he is gay.

Barrowman seeks to answer the question: why am I the way I am? In this one-hour special, Barrowman sets out to unearth what the latest scientific research can tell him about the origins of his homosexuality.

His search for evidence takes him back to his roots to meet family and old friends. He also meets with psychologists and geneticists, compares his DNA to his heterosexual brother's, and conquers his claustrophobia to undergo a brain scan - all in the quest to find out how nature and nurture might have interacted to make him who he is.

Barrowman tells the BBC: "My sexuality has never been deliberately hidden. I'm in a committed relationship with the love of my life, Scott Gill, and he is as much a part of the family as my sister's husband, Kevin, and my brother's wife, Dot. However, just because I'm comfortable with my sexuality doesn't mean that I'm not curious about it and that's one of the reasons I agreed to take this journey to discover the making of me."




















Im in the middle of watching right now, ill write more later when i finish watching it.

My Testimony

This was written by me Freshman year Nov 8 2006.

I was asked to write my testimony down, this took me most of the night to write it out. Sorry its kinda long, but it explains things up to the beginning of freshman year of college, and warning some of the following stuff is pretty personal.




Question, how can I tell my testimony if I am still living my testimony? I don’t really know how to talk about something that I am still living. So I guess there is only one place to start, and that is that beginning and tell what happened until this point in my life.

Well all my life I grew up in not only Church but a Godly home as well. God just seemed right for me since I was little, no trial no really big event at all. I took Jesus as my savoir at and early age and got baptized. I was doing well with God and my walk. Everyone around me seemed to keep supporting me.

Then starts my story, High School, I was a great adventure for me to start out in and I was ready for it and very excited. Then problems arose with not only my family but, relationships, as well as many other things that I was dealing with. Then that’s when I started to hid what I was going through, I hid the pain and hurt. But by early December, I had a breakdown, I thought that committing suicide would solve my problems. Then one day that everyone was out of the house I decided that today was going to be the day, I knew where my dad kept his gun. I was crying as I thought about what I was going to do and how. I thought out what to write in the note, and that I would shoot myself in my parents room at the end of their bed, something about being with them even though I would be gone. But as I climbed the stairs and turned the corner my body lost control of itself and I feel to the ground. I wanted to kill myself sooo badly and just end all of the pain and suffering that I was feeling. It was as something wouldn’t let me crawl down the hall to get the gun. At the moment I felt the presents of God around me and all I could do was cry. After about an hour I gained control of my body again, and now knew that I couldn’t kill myself.

Most of the rest of my high school experience went well, yes there were times that I didn’t walk close with God, ill talk about that later, and yes there were some problems with close friends, or mainly a friends that I didn’t have a healthy relationship with for about a year and we would fight on and off and would act un-Godly towards each other. But when we weren’t fighting, we were there for each other during the really hard times. She went through cancer not once but twice during her high school career. But since we dated our friendship is always on the rocks since we want different things out of it.

Then my Senior Year, Started off Sooooo Amazing with my Journey on Faith Quest. Its pretty much a hardcore 3 day trip with God himself. Not only did I learn a lot from it, I prayed about things and they happened. I got some Major Major sins off of me, well at least for quite some time, one thing that I thought would change is the relationship with my Dad. My Dad has not always been there for me in the way I would have liked him to. He seemed to always put me down and say bad things about everything I would try to do. Then at Faith Quest I get amazing 3 page handwritten letter, thinking things would change right after that, and they didn’t. The end of my senior year was probably the second worst time in my life. Not only was my realationship with my dad still not going anywhere, I was having a hard time with my walk with God, and then One of my busiest weekends ever filled with Band concerts and my other things that I have to deal with, my parents told me that they had taken my rejection letter from the Ball State Architecture Program and held it for a few days so they could let me down gently, this was the night right before my biggest weekend ever. That night I didn’t sleep at all, I just cried all night long. Once again things weren’t going good in my life so I thought about suicide but I knew that that wouldn’t happen, and God wouldn’t allow it at all. I got though it thou.

Then I made it to College and God and I were somewhat back on track. But things with my Dad weren’t going well, at this point in my life I had written him out of my life. And for some reason God just wouldn’t let it happen that easy. When I went home for the first time, my dad acted like he was there for me and was truly my dad. I broke down that night. Then things out west started up, that summer before college my Uncle was changed with sexual assault, he had had sex with one of his student, and not just any student, his daughters best friend. Well my Aunt found out, as well as everyone else, lets just say that things are not going well out there. Him and my Aunt are thinking about a divorce and my eldest cousin is now suicidal and the next eldest has been diagnosed with depression and no idea how the two youngest ones are taken it, right now he is facing up to 30 year in jail and $50,000 in bonds.

Then Came up something that I have been trying to fight since probably the 7th grade, its my sin, my secret, that black spot I have been trying to white out, its my battle with the sin of homosexuality. Not only have I been really battling it for a very long time, I have kept it bay for quite sometime, but it breaks out sometimes, that when I turned to some form of outlet aka porn. So at college I was trying my best to hid this horrible part of me that I am trying to fix. But I knew that I would come out at some time or another. I just didn’t know that I would be pretty quick in to my first year here. So one of my great friends here now, if not my best friend, who is a strong Christian, was asking why I wasn’t a strong Christian and I was telling him some things that were happening but not the main sin that I was dealing with, well to make a long story short, it turned out that he was dealing with the same sin I was, and now we have falling into this sin. I don’t blame him in anyway about what has happened. In a way I am glad that it was him instead of someone else that I would dive head first with into this sin. With him at least most of the time we are working on getting back on track, and now I have someone to talk to about it. Right now it’s a work in progress.

Then I have been worrying about my grandpa for the past 2 years, since my grandma died, to my knowledge he is not saved and nothing seems to be getting to him. I thought that the only way left was my grandma, but now she is gone, it feels like now that this task has fallen onto me, I don’t know what to do, what to say, it seems that i have come at a time to late. Really he shouldn’t be alive right now, he has so many thing wrong with him that if they try to fix one of them they will make the others worse and end up killing him. They said that he prob. wouldn’t make it past my birthday last year, but he did, right now he is standing on his last leg, and the leg is keeping him from an eternity in hell. This is also a work in progress.

Then the whole College thing its self stared to set in, would I be able to make it here? What the Hell am I doing with my life? What happens if I don’t make it? How am I going to do this by myself? I just had a lot of unanswered questions. Thing that I didn’t know what I was going to do about. Then I got 3 goals from my mom. 1 make it into the Arch Prog. 2 raise $10,000 for next semester, and 3 Get on the dean’s list. If I don’t make these goals then I get pulled from College and get to go to a local College that has nothing to offer me.

Then my ex, the one from high school and I started talking again. Things had seemed like they had changed but in all reality that was a big lie. I just kind of hoped that they would have changed. She still has the feelings for me and the same out look about our future together and how things will be a happy ever after story with the two of us. Things haven’t gotten to the point where they were at but its been close she has accused me of some things and then says sorry about them. It causes me a lot of stress. But when we were still getting along she invited me and another friend to fly out and visit her, pretty much a birthday present. Then the old ways start, but I cant back out now, she paid for the ticket.

Then my grandma out west had her hip replaced and things got bad about 3 weeks later when she had what they think was a stroke and loss muscle movement in an arm and leg. They found an infection in one of her hip they just replaced and she was doing really really bad. So bad that my parents cancelled their vacation trip to go out and see her, which never happens unless its really really bad. So right now she is stable and doing ok but still I have never felt so bad about things in my life.

Then the whole God thing; where I have kicked Him to the curb and then told Him to sit there and just wait as I do my own thing. So He has put people in my life to help and its feels like it working but I can’t be too sure about anything.

Then with him giving me a Person that I am leading closer to Christ, or at least I am spouse to be. He stuck her in my life pretty early in college and now that I am far from God, it’s like how can I help lead her, I help led her to Christ as well. And now she has a liking for me, and right now I am not looking for a relationship, I have enough love connections to deal with. I pretty much have a love square with me in the middle, and my Ex, the girl I led to Christ, My friend that I have fallen into sin with, and this girl that is in two of my classes and I see her 4 days a week and she has pretty much fallen head over heels for me. So it’s kind of complex right now. I really need to drop two of them before I can deal with the other two.

So here at college my walk with God has been really really really hard. Yet I don’t blame anyone for any of it. Sometimes things build up and get to me and then I have a total break down. That’s when I am at my weakest, I don’t want anything to do with people and a whole another side of me comes out and its not pretty at all. So far I thing I have had 3 major breakdowns here at college, my last one was pretty bad. I get over them and get on with my life. But right now I am still living my testimony and there is no way to tell how it is going to turn out in the end. I have so many things that I am now dealing with that my testimony isn’t over or in the middle it has just started. So when someone asks to her my testimony, how can I tell them? What do I say? I cant really make things up, and pretty much everything here is such a hard struggle that many people I cant tell about what im going thru. I feel that if people knew these things many would turn away from me and wouldn’t look at me the same. My family prob. try to get me help, or put me in some recovery group. Ya I think that would do wonders for me. I don t know how to tell a story that is just beginning. Only when it ends do you know what you should tell about the story. Because most people these days don’t want to know about every detail of your life and what you are dealing with. So once again How do I tell my testimony when I am still living it?

So now I have lost something that I cant get back im still not sure how I feel about that. I lost it with him it was pretty much a spur of the moment thing. Im just not sure if im disappointed with myself yet or not. I don’t think I am because I really care for him and love him. But at the same time my religion says save sex till marriage and not to lay with another man. So that’s pretty much two strikes. And I feel like im and table cloth that has been stained with ink. And one of my friends is deciding whither or not to get on the path of God, and im trying to help him, but how can I help him when im pretty much not on that road my self? Im try to do anything and everything that I can. Im just not sure about anything at this point.

Guy Update

So i havent talked about guys in a while so lets update you on my single dating life.

Well Arch Grad - still talking at least, we really havent had time to hang out much. still a great guy, wish we had more free time.

Journalism Grad - Well we have talked a few times and hung out and he seems like a great guy, just hanging out is great fun. We will see where it all goes.

Flirt - I am torn between keeping things where they are, and moving them up a bit. But im not sure if i want to risk our friendship that we have. Still debating what to do.

Drag Guy - Well we met thru a friends in a bar. hes nice and all. not my type totally, but i thought i would give it some sort of shot. Only concern, things seem to be moving quick.

But ya thats a quick update on my single dating life, oh ya and there is the annoying guy, the one that sends me msg after msg to my blackberry, Hey, hello, hey whats up, hey your hot, i wanna make out with you, please talk to me, talk to me, and so and and so forth. Its annoying mainly cause its 12 msgs in 5 mins. when im busy or away. And the fact that hes not my type at all. very far from it.

But yep thats about all. Ill try to update more.

Spring Break and St Patty's - Week of Letdown?

So spring break wasnt what i wanted it to be, mainly cause everyone had different spring breaks. I wanted to be on a beach partying it up at night, loving life, and get really crazy on my 21st. Well that didnt work out.

I just ended up at IU for most of the week hanging out with a few friends which was decently fun. Then on my birthday eve night made Pina Coladas, only fun cause we didnt have a blender. Oh trying to crush the ice. Then next morning drive to indy then home, at about 4am, driving for 4 hours. When out on my birthday night Thrus with a friend. Bar was dead wasnt even drunk. Then went out again Sat night, bar was better and it was quite a fun night cause a guy kept buying me drinks. Got drunk that night, but not crazy drunk. That was spring break. Already planning next year, thinking of a house in Vegas for a week. And just have a blast in Vegas for a week.

Then St. Patty's Day (one of my top five holidays) let me down, my first one when i was 21 and was only drunk in the morning, and then tried to go out that night, but everyone else just wasnt gonna go for it. So i decided to call it a night and grab a pizza and head back.

Now the weekend, and everyone is either
A. Busy with something else
B. Somewhere else
C. Under 21
Soooooo ya not fun at all. why does 21 suck so much, when i was 20 i would party all the time, and now its just like it stopped. Damn that.

Well off to find some fun.

Wanted : a gay friend that has been there.

So i just really hate this whole thing. Family seriously, mainly the parents. Cause well lets face it. My mom has out right told me that she will never support ANY GLTBQ (When was the Q added??? i never got the memo) person, for any rights, or for that fact hire a QLTBQ person. Ever. How did i find this out. Well she was talking about have to write a non-discrimination letter to a company to get computer software for her non-for-profit, and she has to use certain words and she told them that she couldnt. I pretty much knew what she didnt want to write, but i asked anyway. And she responded with, "I support Gay and Lesbian way of life and rights" which she retorted, "which i dont at all". And things were left at that. I didnt want WWIII breaking loose in her office right there, and since i was about to leave, didnt want to get any farther into it than needed be.

And then the whole with my dad, really only having a relationship with me, kinda sorta, since i have come out, well more rather since my mom told him about it, cause she was depressed about it all. Gah its like spend time with me cause im your son not because im gay. Sometimes i just get so pissed about what my parents do because im gay rather than because im their son.

And then the whole fact that i seem to be going thru this alone. I have no close gay friends that have told family that have been like this. (NO i am NOT saying that they need to tell their family) It either seems like there family knows and its all ok, or they havent told their family at all. I would like to talk to someone on my own level sometimes. Someone that has told some family and they are trying to fight an uphill battle at times. When family puts them in christian counseling (which lucky for me, is like a huge vent session, only downside it takes 5 hours out of my day, to get there, hour of counseling and then back) And a family that tries to push you straight, push you towards "WHOLESOME" old fashion religion. (I know that God and i have had rough spots, but i havent given up on Him and he hasnt given up on me, isnt that enough????) And the fact that its like anything gay around me is bad, and talking about it is even worse.

I would just want that one person who is there, on that level, to talk to in person, a friend and nothing more. Sometimes things are just soooo hard im not sure what to do. I think thats how i started just living day by day. Because right now if i look down the road in my life, im not sure what i see, and most of it looks bad. Dammit i try to be a happy person, get all the happiness in i can, and try not to let stupid things get to me. But living day by day gets harder everyday with the real world just right around the corner. I have to think about what im going to do, even tho 90% of the time i dont want to. I dont want to plan for the next 10 years, give me back the last 7 years of my life and then we might talk.

Take me back to when i was 6 yrs old and i didnt have a care in the world expect for running outta snacks for the day. The days where i would play with all the kids, didnt have to worry about what tomorrow brought, real life, relationships, what family thought. I dont want any of it.

But its all here, and it feels like im alone, like i went first, when i wasnt ready, i want a friend that i can talk to about all this. Someone that is going thru the same thing. So when my parents do crazy things they can help me thru this all. A person that in times of need we can both help support each other, cry, and pick each other up.

So God if ya got someone like that it would be nice to know know about them.

Weekend of Single-ness

So this weekend was great i just must say, i do enjoy the fact that i am single and just able to have fun and just have fun.

I went to a 21 bday party and it was great, i was enjoying the night quite a bit. It was a great way to ring in their 21st. Not to mention that i was kissed by 4 people. Some were random. And one was really pretty nice. It was real life totally unscripted, unplanned, and lived to the fullest.

And lets just say that i got to spend some time with Journalism Guy, which was really nice. This is the one that i have just been talking back and forth with, well things went past talking.

Life Unscripted is just great. Enjoying life to the fullest and trying to find joy in the smallest parts of life.

Out there again

Well im single again.

For those who want to know what was going on, ill fill ya in.

Things were great with the two of us, ArchGrad was a great guy and everything. Just the fact that we really never had time to see each other just wasnt working out to well. The fact that it was pretty much dating from all along helped move in back into just dating again. And the fact that i really wasnt ready for a relationship right now didnt help. If things go well and then i get out of college and then we have gotten quite close then i could see things working out.

But right not im single and its ok. Its nice. I dont have to invest time i dont have into a relationship right now. So that is great. Right now i just want to enjoy these last years of college with out having to worry about what would my significant other think about this.

So yep sexy single ready to mingle???

Ok i guess just single at this point lol.

A kiss for my Admirer

This is what i found on my door, still looking for the thoughtful person that put it there.

I would like to thank them personally.

God are you there???

God

Are you there? Sometimes i think you have been hiding. Or i have been looking in all the wrong places. Sometimes i am angry of all things that you have put me thru. Why did you do all that. When did i ever sign up for that. I did want any of this. Gah sometime i just want to scream at you and run the other way. But i know that there is a reason for all of this. Sometimes i can understand about it all, but sometimes i just wonder, what the hell was that for?????

I know that i dont ask for much, but a little bit of help would be nice. Mainly a sign to reasure me that i am going the right way in life. Sometime i feel like im lost and alone. Yes i know that im not, and that you have made sure of that. But it would be nice to see them everyonce in a while, maybe talk to them for a while, or is that aginst the rules. I dont know. Anyway I just want to make sure that you are still there, and to inform you that im still here. Dont forget about me. And to have a sign every once in a while would be great too. I understand that there are many people that need Ya more than i do. But a quick check in would be great.



Thanks

Crazy Sick

So i got really really sick this past week, it was really pretty bad i have to say.

I just laid in bed for 3 days cause it hurt to move or do anything, and i really couldnt sit up for a few days. Trust me its wasnt fun.

I had some crazy dreams with it too. Apparently i drown with a bunch of other people my age, and they brought us back to life but to do so i had to life the drowning, so i kinda drown twice, and then they pumped the water back out of all of our bodies. And for some reason the atoms in our body were mixed up, so they had to break all of our atoms loose so they could move around. The Atoms painfully moved back into place, this took a very long time.

This was the crazy dream that i had when i was able to sleep. But i was only able to sleep when i was medicated up and only for about an hour at a time. Going from soaking the sheets with sweat to freezing and not having enough sheets on me. I hate being sick like that. They only time that i ate was when i had to for my meds. Otherwise i didnt want to eat. so i think i ate 5 times the whole week.

But now im doing much much better so glad to feel great and healthy. Just hoping i dont get sick again. i usally do every spring. Every spring semester in college i have gotten sick twice no fail. Hopefully i can avoid it. well see what happens

The Doctor is in

some times stress sneaks up on me, and yes it sucks, i have been thinking about things alot. And right now just seems like one of those times.

Sometimes in my life i feel like i am playing life doctor, most of the time i have to say it is nice to help people out, but sometimes i swear that i just am too stressed too fed up with the person or topic that its about that i dont even want to help. But something in me still helps out the person. Sometime i just wanna sit down and just tell my self all the problems, sit on the lounge and just talk everything out and come up with solutions. Who knows i just may do that. Sit and just talk out loud about everything.

But sometimes its a great life to help someone, like a random person that you dont know. I had a random person ask me for help on facebook and they were topics that i have been thru. These were very hard topics, and i was able to help a random person that i have never met and is not even in the same country. To me that was great to help someone that was going thru something that i have been thru. I really wish that i would have had some, or tried to find someone to help me thru those topics. Let me tell ya they werent the easiest to deal with. Family, being gay, religion, suicide, depression, and dealing with surviving highschool. Well lets just say that it wasnt the easiest to deal with. Thats why is was great helping someone that was going thru those same things. As well as talk to him later to see that he has been doing great.

Honestly it makes me feel like there WAS a reason that i went thru all of those things.

Makes me think that all of that wasnt just for nothing after all

Toughts gone wild

So i have being reflecting on a lot of things lately. And its gonna be something that ill prob have a while to think about, i just needed to get all this out somewhere.

Well the first thing is the whole family thing. Its still rough and the whole topic of me being gay just isnt talked about at all. It sucks i want to be able to bring a guy home without my parents freaking out about it. I want to be able to have him stay in my room. But at this point i can only just pretend like nothing is going on at all. Its just not great, somehow i make it thru all of that when im at home. At the same time i have realized that most of my family is quite a bit older than me, and the fact that im over 1/5 of my life, thats hoping if i live till im 100. But that fact that my parents are not young, im just thinking how much time do i have till they are gone. I still have so much that needs to be done. I want them to be ok with me, with life. And i want to work things out with my Dad. Its gotten to the point where i know they wont be around forever. But do i want to go on acting like nothing is wrong till then? I just want to be ok with everything and work these family issuse out. Its just seems like the clock has started ticking faster.

The second thing is that i dont want being gay to define who i am. Im not saying that its not a part of who i am. But its not everything, its just a part. Just like most people dont let there sex, race, eye color define who they are. There is just so much more to me. I dont want people to remember me as being gay, i want people to remember me as all of me. Sure it is a pretty big part of me, i just hate that when thats people only see me as.

Then doing something great with my life, i want to leave a positive mark on this earth. I want to do something, not sure what that something is yet. It might be some planning, paranormal, or helping youth with religion, who knows what it might be. I just want to help people out, and make things better. Its weird but i feel like ill do something great, ill talk about why later, but something great for someone. Even if i change someones life for the better thats all i can ask for.

This isnt easy to think about when i dont even know what i am going to be doing a few months from now, or the fact i have no idea where i will even be at. Which is part of an advanture, but at the same time makes it hard to work everything out.

So i have a bit to think about, i guess ill just have to try to work on everything as it comes. And just have faith that everything will work out.

New Years in New York

So its the end of another year and the start of 2009, it feels like there is time for a change. One in which i take advantage of things that i have.

I must say it was a great way to start 2009 standing in New York City. It was not easy getting there but i must say i enjoyed that i made it. Not only was i told that i was being irresponsible by spending money on something so stupid when i dont put any money into my education and just blow all my money on things so stupid. This is what one of my parents said to me. And if ya dont know which one it was, just read past blogs.

But ya my dad and i are very different, and he realizes these in some aspects but stills thinks that i have no idea what im doing. And he does a pretty good job at convincing me that i dont. I wasnt sure anymore at one point if i wanted to go to New York or not. But we are two different people, he spent all his time trying to pay for school and work in his younger years to make money didnt go very many places. And there is me the one who plans on using these opportunities to go places do things. And then later in life focus on my family and being with them. Im glad that i can do these things and try and want to take full advantage of them.

This is something that im trying to do more of this year and for the rest of my life.
Instead of asking why, asking why not. That way i wont look back and wonder what would have happened if i did that, i will know. I want to take full advantage of life. And its always a new day, and something new can always happen. Along with that i want to be more healthy get in shape and just have a great year.

So many things that this year will bring, all of which i am excited for.

Come on 2009 lets have an awesome year.