What am i thinking....

Why?

Why something so stupid, it was so easy to before, but now i realize that was only the start of things.

When we were together it was like a constant battle between us, and would hate the fighting and the back and forth of everything. With the bad times that just took over and i could not take all the hurt and just cut the last cord. With that when everything that i ever knew, the group of friends, carefree times, and a person who knew me better than pretty much anyone.

I do miss the whole realationship part of life right now. But i know that soon will pass like always. But im left asking myself, do i miss him, or everything that i lost when it all ended. Part of me says one thing, and the other half says the something else.

I do miss that friendship that i could just talk to someone about pretty much anything, and hangout and be ok with everything. And laugh, have fun, and enjoy life.

Part of me now thinks that i really dont have anyone to talk to about a bunch of stuff that is going on in life, because at this point in time i dont feel like i have anyone around me that i can relate close to or them to me. I feel like most of my guy friends dont get where i coming from and the gay ones, are at a whole different level, and the girls i can only relate to at a certain point. I have very few people that i can relate to, and jake was someone that was at the same level and point that i was, even tho we are different we still got and understood each other.

And as far at the intimate relation, i feel like that it was right where it should have been, i with being with both guys and girls, i feel like it wasnt too much, not enough, or awkward which i have had before. And im not just talking about the sex, im talking about being alone with each other, or in some cases just being close.

I feel stupid for even thinking about him and the whole situation that goes with it. Its like a fucking addiction. One that wasnt that hard to overcome at first, but now it wont let me go any further and has me at a crosshold.

I would just like it to go away and just leave me the hell alone already. I had moved on with my life, but its back with vengeance.

So just leave me alone already.