My Testimony

This was written by me Freshman year Nov 8 2006.

I was asked to write my testimony down, this took me most of the night to write it out. Sorry its kinda long, but it explains things up to the beginning of freshman year of college, and warning some of the following stuff is pretty personal.




Question, how can I tell my testimony if I am still living my testimony? I don’t really know how to talk about something that I am still living. So I guess there is only one place to start, and that is that beginning and tell what happened until this point in my life.

Well all my life I grew up in not only Church but a Godly home as well. God just seemed right for me since I was little, no trial no really big event at all. I took Jesus as my savoir at and early age and got baptized. I was doing well with God and my walk. Everyone around me seemed to keep supporting me.

Then starts my story, High School, I was a great adventure for me to start out in and I was ready for it and very excited. Then problems arose with not only my family but, relationships, as well as many other things that I was dealing with. Then that’s when I started to hid what I was going through, I hid the pain and hurt. But by early December, I had a breakdown, I thought that committing suicide would solve my problems. Then one day that everyone was out of the house I decided that today was going to be the day, I knew where my dad kept his gun. I was crying as I thought about what I was going to do and how. I thought out what to write in the note, and that I would shoot myself in my parents room at the end of their bed, something about being with them even though I would be gone. But as I climbed the stairs and turned the corner my body lost control of itself and I feel to the ground. I wanted to kill myself sooo badly and just end all of the pain and suffering that I was feeling. It was as something wouldn’t let me crawl down the hall to get the gun. At the moment I felt the presents of God around me and all I could do was cry. After about an hour I gained control of my body again, and now knew that I couldn’t kill myself.

Most of the rest of my high school experience went well, yes there were times that I didn’t walk close with God, ill talk about that later, and yes there were some problems with close friends, or mainly a friends that I didn’t have a healthy relationship with for about a year and we would fight on and off and would act un-Godly towards each other. But when we weren’t fighting, we were there for each other during the really hard times. She went through cancer not once but twice during her high school career. But since we dated our friendship is always on the rocks since we want different things out of it.

Then my Senior Year, Started off Sooooo Amazing with my Journey on Faith Quest. Its pretty much a hardcore 3 day trip with God himself. Not only did I learn a lot from it, I prayed about things and they happened. I got some Major Major sins off of me, well at least for quite some time, one thing that I thought would change is the relationship with my Dad. My Dad has not always been there for me in the way I would have liked him to. He seemed to always put me down and say bad things about everything I would try to do. Then at Faith Quest I get amazing 3 page handwritten letter, thinking things would change right after that, and they didn’t. The end of my senior year was probably the second worst time in my life. Not only was my realationship with my dad still not going anywhere, I was having a hard time with my walk with God, and then One of my busiest weekends ever filled with Band concerts and my other things that I have to deal with, my parents told me that they had taken my rejection letter from the Ball State Architecture Program and held it for a few days so they could let me down gently, this was the night right before my biggest weekend ever. That night I didn’t sleep at all, I just cried all night long. Once again things weren’t going good in my life so I thought about suicide but I knew that that wouldn’t happen, and God wouldn’t allow it at all. I got though it thou.

Then I made it to College and God and I were somewhat back on track. But things with my Dad weren’t going well, at this point in my life I had written him out of my life. And for some reason God just wouldn’t let it happen that easy. When I went home for the first time, my dad acted like he was there for me and was truly my dad. I broke down that night. Then things out west started up, that summer before college my Uncle was changed with sexual assault, he had had sex with one of his student, and not just any student, his daughters best friend. Well my Aunt found out, as well as everyone else, lets just say that things are not going well out there. Him and my Aunt are thinking about a divorce and my eldest cousin is now suicidal and the next eldest has been diagnosed with depression and no idea how the two youngest ones are taken it, right now he is facing up to 30 year in jail and $50,000 in bonds.

Then Came up something that I have been trying to fight since probably the 7th grade, its my sin, my secret, that black spot I have been trying to white out, its my battle with the sin of homosexuality. Not only have I been really battling it for a very long time, I have kept it bay for quite sometime, but it breaks out sometimes, that when I turned to some form of outlet aka porn. So at college I was trying my best to hid this horrible part of me that I am trying to fix. But I knew that I would come out at some time or another. I just didn’t know that I would be pretty quick in to my first year here. So one of my great friends here now, if not my best friend, who is a strong Christian, was asking why I wasn’t a strong Christian and I was telling him some things that were happening but not the main sin that I was dealing with, well to make a long story short, it turned out that he was dealing with the same sin I was, and now we have falling into this sin. I don’t blame him in anyway about what has happened. In a way I am glad that it was him instead of someone else that I would dive head first with into this sin. With him at least most of the time we are working on getting back on track, and now I have someone to talk to about it. Right now it’s a work in progress.

Then I have been worrying about my grandpa for the past 2 years, since my grandma died, to my knowledge he is not saved and nothing seems to be getting to him. I thought that the only way left was my grandma, but now she is gone, it feels like now that this task has fallen onto me, I don’t know what to do, what to say, it seems that i have come at a time to late. Really he shouldn’t be alive right now, he has so many thing wrong with him that if they try to fix one of them they will make the others worse and end up killing him. They said that he prob. wouldn’t make it past my birthday last year, but he did, right now he is standing on his last leg, and the leg is keeping him from an eternity in hell. This is also a work in progress.

Then the whole College thing its self stared to set in, would I be able to make it here? What the Hell am I doing with my life? What happens if I don’t make it? How am I going to do this by myself? I just had a lot of unanswered questions. Thing that I didn’t know what I was going to do about. Then I got 3 goals from my mom. 1 make it into the Arch Prog. 2 raise $10,000 for next semester, and 3 Get on the dean’s list. If I don’t make these goals then I get pulled from College and get to go to a local College that has nothing to offer me.

Then my ex, the one from high school and I started talking again. Things had seemed like they had changed but in all reality that was a big lie. I just kind of hoped that they would have changed. She still has the feelings for me and the same out look about our future together and how things will be a happy ever after story with the two of us. Things haven’t gotten to the point where they were at but its been close she has accused me of some things and then says sorry about them. It causes me a lot of stress. But when we were still getting along she invited me and another friend to fly out and visit her, pretty much a birthday present. Then the old ways start, but I cant back out now, she paid for the ticket.

Then my grandma out west had her hip replaced and things got bad about 3 weeks later when she had what they think was a stroke and loss muscle movement in an arm and leg. They found an infection in one of her hip they just replaced and she was doing really really bad. So bad that my parents cancelled their vacation trip to go out and see her, which never happens unless its really really bad. So right now she is stable and doing ok but still I have never felt so bad about things in my life.

Then the whole God thing; where I have kicked Him to the curb and then told Him to sit there and just wait as I do my own thing. So He has put people in my life to help and its feels like it working but I can’t be too sure about anything.

Then with him giving me a Person that I am leading closer to Christ, or at least I am spouse to be. He stuck her in my life pretty early in college and now that I am far from God, it’s like how can I help lead her, I help led her to Christ as well. And now she has a liking for me, and right now I am not looking for a relationship, I have enough love connections to deal with. I pretty much have a love square with me in the middle, and my Ex, the girl I led to Christ, My friend that I have fallen into sin with, and this girl that is in two of my classes and I see her 4 days a week and she has pretty much fallen head over heels for me. So it’s kind of complex right now. I really need to drop two of them before I can deal with the other two.

So here at college my walk with God has been really really really hard. Yet I don’t blame anyone for any of it. Sometimes things build up and get to me and then I have a total break down. That’s when I am at my weakest, I don’t want anything to do with people and a whole another side of me comes out and its not pretty at all. So far I thing I have had 3 major breakdowns here at college, my last one was pretty bad. I get over them and get on with my life. But right now I am still living my testimony and there is no way to tell how it is going to turn out in the end. I have so many things that I am now dealing with that my testimony isn’t over or in the middle it has just started. So when someone asks to her my testimony, how can I tell them? What do I say? I cant really make things up, and pretty much everything here is such a hard struggle that many people I cant tell about what im going thru. I feel that if people knew these things many would turn away from me and wouldn’t look at me the same. My family prob. try to get me help, or put me in some recovery group. Ya I think that would do wonders for me. I don t know how to tell a story that is just beginning. Only when it ends do you know what you should tell about the story. Because most people these days don’t want to know about every detail of your life and what you are dealing with. So once again How do I tell my testimony when I am still living it?

So now I have lost something that I cant get back im still not sure how I feel about that. I lost it with him it was pretty much a spur of the moment thing. Im just not sure if im disappointed with myself yet or not. I don’t think I am because I really care for him and love him. But at the same time my religion says save sex till marriage and not to lay with another man. So that’s pretty much two strikes. And I feel like im and table cloth that has been stained with ink. And one of my friends is deciding whither or not to get on the path of God, and im trying to help him, but how can I help him when im pretty much not on that road my self? Im try to do anything and everything that I can. Im just not sure about anything at this point.