Yep it was that time again, and im pretty sure that it was waaaaay over due.
Went to counseling again. It was nice i have to say. It really helps me get some stress out and get quite a few things out in the open. Talking about being gay and how my parents are and how they react to me and all the issues that i have been thru really helps put things into perceptive. It just great sitting and talking to someone with out them judging me that im gay. It almost just hanging out and getting out stress and such. Joe is a great guy, im glad that he doesnt judge me for things. And that he doesnt try to 'fix' me. My mom thinks that i can be fixed. But honestly there is nothing to 'fix'. But ya she doesnt know that its mostly just a stress talk, and very relaxed. Prob if she found out she would send me to one of those gay camp things.
Geezeeeee even the thought makes me shudder a bit. The thought of them trying to 'make me straight'. Talk about some really horrible long lasting effects. Crazyness all over. And the fact that how often does that really work. Just shove the gay back in the closet is more like it. My mom would LOVE that, she just wants to keep it all hush hush and pretend like it never happened. Gah parents, i want to get thru to them in some way.
But ya counseling is nice, but i think going 6 months is a bit too long. i mean i have to drive 2 hrs then an hour session talking about the last 6 months of my life, then a 2 hr drive back. talk about draining. afterwords i feel like i need to have some food and then sleep for the rest of the day. Saddly i couldnt. Gah stupid busy, where is the pause button.
Well the next one is a day in finals week that i have nothing, so it will be sooooo much better and less busy. Nice relaxing day, and the fact that i wont miss two classes in the process.
But ya i have a line up of interesting things post on the blog so stay tuned.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
The Making of Me : John Barrowman
A great hour long BBC Special, John Barrowman goes on a journey to discover why he is gay.
Barrowman seeks to answer the question: why am I the way I am? In this one-hour special, Barrowman sets out to unearth what the latest scientific research can tell him about the origins of his homosexuality.
His search for evidence takes him back to his roots to meet family and old friends. He also meets with psychologists and geneticists, compares his DNA to his heterosexual brother's, and conquers his claustrophobia to undergo a brain scan - all in the quest to find out how nature and nurture might have interacted to make him who he is.
Barrowman tells the BBC: "My sexuality has never been deliberately hidden. I'm in a committed relationship with the love of my life, Scott Gill, and he is as much a part of the family as my sister's husband, Kevin, and my brother's wife, Dot. However, just because I'm comfortable with my sexuality doesn't mean that I'm not curious about it and that's one of the reasons I agreed to take this journey to discover the making of me."
Im in the middle of watching right now, ill write more later when i finish watching it.
Barrowman seeks to answer the question: why am I the way I am? In this one-hour special, Barrowman sets out to unearth what the latest scientific research can tell him about the origins of his homosexuality.
His search for evidence takes him back to his roots to meet family and old friends. He also meets with psychologists and geneticists, compares his DNA to his heterosexual brother's, and conquers his claustrophobia to undergo a brain scan - all in the quest to find out how nature and nurture might have interacted to make him who he is.
Barrowman tells the BBC: "My sexuality has never been deliberately hidden. I'm in a committed relationship with the love of my life, Scott Gill, and he is as much a part of the family as my sister's husband, Kevin, and my brother's wife, Dot. However, just because I'm comfortable with my sexuality doesn't mean that I'm not curious about it and that's one of the reasons I agreed to take this journey to discover the making of me."
Im in the middle of watching right now, ill write more later when i finish watching it.
My Testimony
This was written by me Freshman year Nov 8 2006.
I was asked to write my testimony down, this took me most of the night to write it out. Sorry its kinda long, but it explains things up to the beginning of freshman year of college, and warning some of the following stuff is pretty personal.
Question, how can I tell my testimony if I am still living my testimony? I don’t really know how to talk about something that I am still living. So I guess there is only one place to start, and that is that beginning and tell what happened until this point in my life.
Well all my life I grew up in not only Church but a Godly home as well. God just seemed right for me since I was little, no trial no really big event at all. I took Jesus as my savoir at and early age and got baptized. I was doing well with God and my walk. Everyone around me seemed to keep supporting me.
Then starts my story, High School, I was a great adventure for me to start out in and I was ready for it and very excited. Then problems arose with not only my family but, relationships, as well as many other things that I was dealing with. Then that’s when I started to hid what I was going through, I hid the pain and hurt. But by early December, I had a breakdown, I thought that committing suicide would solve my problems. Then one day that everyone was out of the house I decided that today was going to be the day, I knew where my dad kept his gun. I was crying as I thought about what I was going to do and how. I thought out what to write in the note, and that I would shoot myself in my parents room at the end of their bed, something about being with them even though I would be gone. But as I climbed the stairs and turned the corner my body lost control of itself and I feel to the ground. I wanted to kill myself sooo badly and just end all of the pain and suffering that I was feeling. It was as something wouldn’t let me crawl down the hall to get the gun. At the moment I felt the presents of God around me and all I could do was cry. After about an hour I gained control of my body again, and now knew that I couldn’t kill myself.
Most of the rest of my high school experience went well, yes there were times that I didn’t walk close with God, ill talk about that later, and yes there were some problems with close friends, or mainly a friends that I didn’t have a healthy relationship with for about a year and we would fight on and off and would act un-Godly towards each other. But when we weren’t fighting, we were there for each other during the really hard times. She went through cancer not once but twice during her high school career. But since we dated our friendship is always on the rocks since we want different things out of it.
Then my Senior Year, Started off Sooooo Amazing with my Journey on Faith Quest. Its pretty much a hardcore 3 day trip with God himself. Not only did I learn a lot from it, I prayed about things and they happened. I got some Major Major sins off of me, well at least for quite some time, one thing that I thought would change is the relationship with my Dad. My Dad has not always been there for me in the way I would have liked him to. He seemed to always put me down and say bad things about everything I would try to do. Then at Faith Quest I get amazing 3 page handwritten letter, thinking things would change right after that, and they didn’t. The end of my senior year was probably the second worst time in my life. Not only was my realationship with my dad still not going anywhere, I was having a hard time with my walk with God, and then One of my busiest weekends ever filled with Band concerts and my other things that I have to deal with, my parents told me that they had taken my rejection letter from the Ball State Architecture Program and held it for a few days so they could let me down gently, this was the night right before my biggest weekend ever. That night I didn’t sleep at all, I just cried all night long. Once again things weren’t going good in my life so I thought about suicide but I knew that that wouldn’t happen, and God wouldn’t allow it at all. I got though it thou.
Then I made it to College and God and I were somewhat back on track. But things with my Dad weren’t going well, at this point in my life I had written him out of my life. And for some reason God just wouldn’t let it happen that easy. When I went home for the first time, my dad acted like he was there for me and was truly my dad. I broke down that night. Then things out west started up, that summer before college my Uncle was changed with sexual assault, he had had sex with one of his student, and not just any student, his daughters best friend. Well my Aunt found out, as well as everyone else, lets just say that things are not going well out there. Him and my Aunt are thinking about a divorce and my eldest cousin is now suicidal and the next eldest has been diagnosed with depression and no idea how the two youngest ones are taken it, right now he is facing up to 30 year in jail and $50,000 in bonds.
Then Came up something that I have been trying to fight since probably the 7th grade, its my sin, my secret, that black spot I have been trying to white out, its my battle with the sin of homosexuality. Not only have I been really battling it for a very long time, I have kept it bay for quite sometime, but it breaks out sometimes, that when I turned to some form of outlet aka porn. So at college I was trying my best to hid this horrible part of me that I am trying to fix. But I knew that I would come out at some time or another. I just didn’t know that I would be pretty quick in to my first year here. So one of my great friends here now, if not my best friend, who is a strong Christian, was asking why I wasn’t a strong Christian and I was telling him some things that were happening but not the main sin that I was dealing with, well to make a long story short, it turned out that he was dealing with the same sin I was, and now we have falling into this sin. I don’t blame him in anyway about what has happened. In a way I am glad that it was him instead of someone else that I would dive head first with into this sin. With him at least most of the time we are working on getting back on track, and now I have someone to talk to about it. Right now it’s a work in progress.
Then I have been worrying about my grandpa for the past 2 years, since my grandma died, to my knowledge he is not saved and nothing seems to be getting to him. I thought that the only way left was my grandma, but now she is gone, it feels like now that this task has fallen onto me, I don’t know what to do, what to say, it seems that i have come at a time to late. Really he shouldn’t be alive right now, he has so many thing wrong with him that if they try to fix one of them they will make the others worse and end up killing him. They said that he prob. wouldn’t make it past my birthday last year, but he did, right now he is standing on his last leg, and the leg is keeping him from an eternity in hell. This is also a work in progress.
Then the whole College thing its self stared to set in, would I be able to make it here? What the Hell am I doing with my life? What happens if I don’t make it? How am I going to do this by myself? I just had a lot of unanswered questions. Thing that I didn’t know what I was going to do about. Then I got 3 goals from my mom. 1 make it into the Arch Prog. 2 raise $10,000 for next semester, and 3 Get on the dean’s list. If I don’t make these goals then I get pulled from College and get to go to a local College that has nothing to offer me.
Then my ex, the one from high school and I started talking again. Things had seemed like they had changed but in all reality that was a big lie. I just kind of hoped that they would have changed. She still has the feelings for me and the same out look about our future together and how things will be a happy ever after story with the two of us. Things haven’t gotten to the point where they were at but its been close she has accused me of some things and then says sorry about them. It causes me a lot of stress. But when we were still getting along she invited me and another friend to fly out and visit her, pretty much a birthday present. Then the old ways start, but I cant back out now, she paid for the ticket.
Then my grandma out west had her hip replaced and things got bad about 3 weeks later when she had what they think was a stroke and loss muscle movement in an arm and leg. They found an infection in one of her hip they just replaced and she was doing really really bad. So bad that my parents cancelled their vacation trip to go out and see her, which never happens unless its really really bad. So right now she is stable and doing ok but still I have never felt so bad about things in my life.
Then the whole God thing; where I have kicked Him to the curb and then told Him to sit there and just wait as I do my own thing. So He has put people in my life to help and its feels like it working but I can’t be too sure about anything.
Then with him giving me a Person that I am leading closer to Christ, or at least I am spouse to be. He stuck her in my life pretty early in college and now that I am far from God, it’s like how can I help lead her, I help led her to Christ as well. And now she has a liking for me, and right now I am not looking for a relationship, I have enough love connections to deal with. I pretty much have a love square with me in the middle, and my Ex, the girl I led to Christ, My friend that I have fallen into sin with, and this girl that is in two of my classes and I see her 4 days a week and she has pretty much fallen head over heels for me. So it’s kind of complex right now. I really need to drop two of them before I can deal with the other two.
So here at college my walk with God has been really really really hard. Yet I don’t blame anyone for any of it. Sometimes things build up and get to me and then I have a total break down. That’s when I am at my weakest, I don’t want anything to do with people and a whole another side of me comes out and its not pretty at all. So far I thing I have had 3 major breakdowns here at college, my last one was pretty bad. I get over them and get on with my life. But right now I am still living my testimony and there is no way to tell how it is going to turn out in the end. I have so many things that I am now dealing with that my testimony isn’t over or in the middle it has just started. So when someone asks to her my testimony, how can I tell them? What do I say? I cant really make things up, and pretty much everything here is such a hard struggle that many people I cant tell about what im going thru. I feel that if people knew these things many would turn away from me and wouldn’t look at me the same. My family prob. try to get me help, or put me in some recovery group. Ya I think that would do wonders for me. I don t know how to tell a story that is just beginning. Only when it ends do you know what you should tell about the story. Because most people these days don’t want to know about every detail of your life and what you are dealing with. So once again How do I tell my testimony when I am still living it?
So now I have lost something that I cant get back im still not sure how I feel about that. I lost it with him it was pretty much a spur of the moment thing. Im just not sure if im disappointed with myself yet or not. I don’t think I am because I really care for him and love him. But at the same time my religion says save sex till marriage and not to lay with another man. So that’s pretty much two strikes. And I feel like im and table cloth that has been stained with ink. And one of my friends is deciding whither or not to get on the path of God, and im trying to help him, but how can I help him when im pretty much not on that road my self? Im try to do anything and everything that I can. Im just not sure about anything at this point.
I was asked to write my testimony down, this took me most of the night to write it out. Sorry its kinda long, but it explains things up to the beginning of freshman year of college, and warning some of the following stuff is pretty personal.
Question, how can I tell my testimony if I am still living my testimony? I don’t really know how to talk about something that I am still living. So I guess there is only one place to start, and that is that beginning and tell what happened until this point in my life.
Well all my life I grew up in not only Church but a Godly home as well. God just seemed right for me since I was little, no trial no really big event at all. I took Jesus as my savoir at and early age and got baptized. I was doing well with God and my walk. Everyone around me seemed to keep supporting me.
Then starts my story, High School, I was a great adventure for me to start out in and I was ready for it and very excited. Then problems arose with not only my family but, relationships, as well as many other things that I was dealing with. Then that’s when I started to hid what I was going through, I hid the pain and hurt. But by early December, I had a breakdown, I thought that committing suicide would solve my problems. Then one day that everyone was out of the house I decided that today was going to be the day, I knew where my dad kept his gun. I was crying as I thought about what I was going to do and how. I thought out what to write in the note, and that I would shoot myself in my parents room at the end of their bed, something about being with them even though I would be gone. But as I climbed the stairs and turned the corner my body lost control of itself and I feel to the ground. I wanted to kill myself sooo badly and just end all of the pain and suffering that I was feeling. It was as something wouldn’t let me crawl down the hall to get the gun. At the moment I felt the presents of God around me and all I could do was cry. After about an hour I gained control of my body again, and now knew that I couldn’t kill myself.
Most of the rest of my high school experience went well, yes there were times that I didn’t walk close with God, ill talk about that later, and yes there were some problems with close friends, or mainly a friends that I didn’t have a healthy relationship with for about a year and we would fight on and off and would act un-Godly towards each other. But when we weren’t fighting, we were there for each other during the really hard times. She went through cancer not once but twice during her high school career. But since we dated our friendship is always on the rocks since we want different things out of it.
Then my Senior Year, Started off Sooooo Amazing with my Journey on Faith Quest. Its pretty much a hardcore 3 day trip with God himself. Not only did I learn a lot from it, I prayed about things and they happened. I got some Major Major sins off of me, well at least for quite some time, one thing that I thought would change is the relationship with my Dad. My Dad has not always been there for me in the way I would have liked him to. He seemed to always put me down and say bad things about everything I would try to do. Then at Faith Quest I get amazing 3 page handwritten letter, thinking things would change right after that, and they didn’t. The end of my senior year was probably the second worst time in my life. Not only was my realationship with my dad still not going anywhere, I was having a hard time with my walk with God, and then One of my busiest weekends ever filled with Band concerts and my other things that I have to deal with, my parents told me that they had taken my rejection letter from the Ball State Architecture Program and held it for a few days so they could let me down gently, this was the night right before my biggest weekend ever. That night I didn’t sleep at all, I just cried all night long. Once again things weren’t going good in my life so I thought about suicide but I knew that that wouldn’t happen, and God wouldn’t allow it at all. I got though it thou.
Then I made it to College and God and I were somewhat back on track. But things with my Dad weren’t going well, at this point in my life I had written him out of my life. And for some reason God just wouldn’t let it happen that easy. When I went home for the first time, my dad acted like he was there for me and was truly my dad. I broke down that night. Then things out west started up, that summer before college my Uncle was changed with sexual assault, he had had sex with one of his student, and not just any student, his daughters best friend. Well my Aunt found out, as well as everyone else, lets just say that things are not going well out there. Him and my Aunt are thinking about a divorce and my eldest cousin is now suicidal and the next eldest has been diagnosed with depression and no idea how the two youngest ones are taken it, right now he is facing up to 30 year in jail and $50,000 in bonds.
Then Came up something that I have been trying to fight since probably the 7th grade, its my sin, my secret, that black spot I have been trying to white out, its my battle with the sin of homosexuality. Not only have I been really battling it for a very long time, I have kept it bay for quite sometime, but it breaks out sometimes, that when I turned to some form of outlet aka porn. So at college I was trying my best to hid this horrible part of me that I am trying to fix. But I knew that I would come out at some time or another. I just didn’t know that I would be pretty quick in to my first year here. So one of my great friends here now, if not my best friend, who is a strong Christian, was asking why I wasn’t a strong Christian and I was telling him some things that were happening but not the main sin that I was dealing with, well to make a long story short, it turned out that he was dealing with the same sin I was, and now we have falling into this sin. I don’t blame him in anyway about what has happened. In a way I am glad that it was him instead of someone else that I would dive head first with into this sin. With him at least most of the time we are working on getting back on track, and now I have someone to talk to about it. Right now it’s a work in progress.
Then I have been worrying about my grandpa for the past 2 years, since my grandma died, to my knowledge he is not saved and nothing seems to be getting to him. I thought that the only way left was my grandma, but now she is gone, it feels like now that this task has fallen onto me, I don’t know what to do, what to say, it seems that i have come at a time to late. Really he shouldn’t be alive right now, he has so many thing wrong with him that if they try to fix one of them they will make the others worse and end up killing him. They said that he prob. wouldn’t make it past my birthday last year, but he did, right now he is standing on his last leg, and the leg is keeping him from an eternity in hell. This is also a work in progress.
Then the whole College thing its self stared to set in, would I be able to make it here? What the Hell am I doing with my life? What happens if I don’t make it? How am I going to do this by myself? I just had a lot of unanswered questions. Thing that I didn’t know what I was going to do about. Then I got 3 goals from my mom. 1 make it into the Arch Prog. 2 raise $10,000 for next semester, and 3 Get on the dean’s list. If I don’t make these goals then I get pulled from College and get to go to a local College that has nothing to offer me.
Then my ex, the one from high school and I started talking again. Things had seemed like they had changed but in all reality that was a big lie. I just kind of hoped that they would have changed. She still has the feelings for me and the same out look about our future together and how things will be a happy ever after story with the two of us. Things haven’t gotten to the point where they were at but its been close she has accused me of some things and then says sorry about them. It causes me a lot of stress. But when we were still getting along she invited me and another friend to fly out and visit her, pretty much a birthday present. Then the old ways start, but I cant back out now, she paid for the ticket.
Then my grandma out west had her hip replaced and things got bad about 3 weeks later when she had what they think was a stroke and loss muscle movement in an arm and leg. They found an infection in one of her hip they just replaced and she was doing really really bad. So bad that my parents cancelled their vacation trip to go out and see her, which never happens unless its really really bad. So right now she is stable and doing ok but still I have never felt so bad about things in my life.
Then the whole God thing; where I have kicked Him to the curb and then told Him to sit there and just wait as I do my own thing. So He has put people in my life to help and its feels like it working but I can’t be too sure about anything.
Then with him giving me a Person that I am leading closer to Christ, or at least I am spouse to be. He stuck her in my life pretty early in college and now that I am far from God, it’s like how can I help lead her, I help led her to Christ as well. And now she has a liking for me, and right now I am not looking for a relationship, I have enough love connections to deal with. I pretty much have a love square with me in the middle, and my Ex, the girl I led to Christ, My friend that I have fallen into sin with, and this girl that is in two of my classes and I see her 4 days a week and she has pretty much fallen head over heels for me. So it’s kind of complex right now. I really need to drop two of them before I can deal with the other two.
So here at college my walk with God has been really really really hard. Yet I don’t blame anyone for any of it. Sometimes things build up and get to me and then I have a total break down. That’s when I am at my weakest, I don’t want anything to do with people and a whole another side of me comes out and its not pretty at all. So far I thing I have had 3 major breakdowns here at college, my last one was pretty bad. I get over them and get on with my life. But right now I am still living my testimony and there is no way to tell how it is going to turn out in the end. I have so many things that I am now dealing with that my testimony isn’t over or in the middle it has just started. So when someone asks to her my testimony, how can I tell them? What do I say? I cant really make things up, and pretty much everything here is such a hard struggle that many people I cant tell about what im going thru. I feel that if people knew these things many would turn away from me and wouldn’t look at me the same. My family prob. try to get me help, or put me in some recovery group. Ya I think that would do wonders for me. I don t know how to tell a story that is just beginning. Only when it ends do you know what you should tell about the story. Because most people these days don’t want to know about every detail of your life and what you are dealing with. So once again How do I tell my testimony when I am still living it?
So now I have lost something that I cant get back im still not sure how I feel about that. I lost it with him it was pretty much a spur of the moment thing. Im just not sure if im disappointed with myself yet or not. I don’t think I am because I really care for him and love him. But at the same time my religion says save sex till marriage and not to lay with another man. So that’s pretty much two strikes. And I feel like im and table cloth that has been stained with ink. And one of my friends is deciding whither or not to get on the path of God, and im trying to help him, but how can I help him when im pretty much not on that road my self? Im try to do anything and everything that I can. Im just not sure about anything at this point.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Guy Update
So i havent talked about guys in a while so lets update you on my single dating life.
Well Arch Grad - still talking at least, we really havent had time to hang out much. still a great guy, wish we had more free time.
Journalism Grad - Well we have talked a few times and hung out and he seems like a great guy, just hanging out is great fun. We will see where it all goes.
Flirt - I am torn between keeping things where they are, and moving them up a bit. But im not sure if i want to risk our friendship that we have. Still debating what to do.
Drag Guy - Well we met thru a friends in a bar. hes nice and all. not my type totally, but i thought i would give it some sort of shot. Only concern, things seem to be moving quick.
But ya thats a quick update on my single dating life, oh ya and there is the annoying guy, the one that sends me msg after msg to my blackberry, Hey, hello, hey whats up, hey your hot, i wanna make out with you, please talk to me, talk to me, and so and and so forth. Its annoying mainly cause its 12 msgs in 5 mins. when im busy or away. And the fact that hes not my type at all. very far from it.
But yep thats about all. Ill try to update more.
Well Arch Grad - still talking at least, we really havent had time to hang out much. still a great guy, wish we had more free time.
Journalism Grad - Well we have talked a few times and hung out and he seems like a great guy, just hanging out is great fun. We will see where it all goes.
Flirt - I am torn between keeping things where they are, and moving them up a bit. But im not sure if i want to risk our friendship that we have. Still debating what to do.
Drag Guy - Well we met thru a friends in a bar. hes nice and all. not my type totally, but i thought i would give it some sort of shot. Only concern, things seem to be moving quick.
But ya thats a quick update on my single dating life, oh ya and there is the annoying guy, the one that sends me msg after msg to my blackberry, Hey, hello, hey whats up, hey your hot, i wanna make out with you, please talk to me, talk to me, and so and and so forth. Its annoying mainly cause its 12 msgs in 5 mins. when im busy or away. And the fact that hes not my type at all. very far from it.
But yep thats about all. Ill try to update more.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Spring Break and St Patty's - Week of Letdown?
So spring break wasnt what i wanted it to be, mainly cause everyone had different spring breaks. I wanted to be on a beach partying it up at night, loving life, and get really crazy on my 21st. Well that didnt work out.
I just ended up at IU for most of the week hanging out with a few friends which was decently fun. Then on my birthday eve night made Pina Coladas, only fun cause we didnt have a blender. Oh trying to crush the ice. Then next morning drive to indy then home, at about 4am, driving for 4 hours. When out on my birthday night Thrus with a friend. Bar was dead wasnt even drunk. Then went out again Sat night, bar was better and it was quite a fun night cause a guy kept buying me drinks. Got drunk that night, but not crazy drunk. That was spring break. Already planning next year, thinking of a house in Vegas for a week. And just have a blast in Vegas for a week.
Then St. Patty's Day (one of my top five holidays) let me down, my first one when i was 21 and was only drunk in the morning, and then tried to go out that night, but everyone else just wasnt gonna go for it. So i decided to call it a night and grab a pizza and head back.
Now the weekend, and everyone is either
A. Busy with something else
B. Somewhere else
C. Under 21
Soooooo ya not fun at all. why does 21 suck so much, when i was 20 i would party all the time, and now its just like it stopped. Damn that.
Well off to find some fun.
I just ended up at IU for most of the week hanging out with a few friends which was decently fun. Then on my birthday eve night made Pina Coladas, only fun cause we didnt have a blender. Oh trying to crush the ice. Then next morning drive to indy then home, at about 4am, driving for 4 hours. When out on my birthday night Thrus with a friend. Bar was dead wasnt even drunk. Then went out again Sat night, bar was better and it was quite a fun night cause a guy kept buying me drinks. Got drunk that night, but not crazy drunk. That was spring break. Already planning next year, thinking of a house in Vegas for a week. And just have a blast in Vegas for a week.
Then St. Patty's Day (one of my top five holidays) let me down, my first one when i was 21 and was only drunk in the morning, and then tried to go out that night, but everyone else just wasnt gonna go for it. So i decided to call it a night and grab a pizza and head back.
Now the weekend, and everyone is either
A. Busy with something else
B. Somewhere else
C. Under 21
Soooooo ya not fun at all. why does 21 suck so much, when i was 20 i would party all the time, and now its just like it stopped. Damn that.
Well off to find some fun.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Wanted : a gay friend that has been there.
So i just really hate this whole thing. Family seriously, mainly the parents. Cause well lets face it. My mom has out right told me that she will never support ANY GLTBQ (When was the Q added??? i never got the memo) person, for any rights, or for that fact hire a QLTBQ person. Ever. How did i find this out. Well she was talking about have to write a non-discrimination letter to a company to get computer software for her non-for-profit, and she has to use certain words and she told them that she couldnt. I pretty much knew what she didnt want to write, but i asked anyway. And she responded with, "I support Gay and Lesbian way of life and rights" which she retorted, "which i dont at all". And things were left at that. I didnt want WWIII breaking loose in her office right there, and since i was about to leave, didnt want to get any farther into it than needed be.
And then the whole with my dad, really only having a relationship with me, kinda sorta, since i have come out, well more rather since my mom told him about it, cause she was depressed about it all. Gah its like spend time with me cause im your son not because im gay. Sometimes i just get so pissed about what my parents do because im gay rather than because im their son.
And then the whole fact that i seem to be going thru this alone. I have no close gay friends that have told family that have been like this. (NO i am NOT saying that they need to tell their family) It either seems like there family knows and its all ok, or they havent told their family at all. I would like to talk to someone on my own level sometimes. Someone that has told some family and they are trying to fight an uphill battle at times. When family puts them in christian counseling (which lucky for me, is like a huge vent session, only downside it takes 5 hours out of my day, to get there, hour of counseling and then back) And a family that tries to push you straight, push you towards "WHOLESOME" old fashion religion. (I know that God and i have had rough spots, but i havent given up on Him and he hasnt given up on me, isnt that enough????) And the fact that its like anything gay around me is bad, and talking about it is even worse.
I would just want that one person who is there, on that level, to talk to in person, a friend and nothing more. Sometimes things are just soooo hard im not sure what to do. I think thats how i started just living day by day. Because right now if i look down the road in my life, im not sure what i see, and most of it looks bad. Dammit i try to be a happy person, get all the happiness in i can, and try not to let stupid things get to me. But living day by day gets harder everyday with the real world just right around the corner. I have to think about what im going to do, even tho 90% of the time i dont want to. I dont want to plan for the next 10 years, give me back the last 7 years of my life and then we might talk.
Take me back to when i was 6 yrs old and i didnt have a care in the world expect for running outta snacks for the day. The days where i would play with all the kids, didnt have to worry about what tomorrow brought, real life, relationships, what family thought. I dont want any of it.
But its all here, and it feels like im alone, like i went first, when i wasnt ready, i want a friend that i can talk to about all this. Someone that is going thru the same thing. So when my parents do crazy things they can help me thru this all. A person that in times of need we can both help support each other, cry, and pick each other up.
So God if ya got someone like that it would be nice to know know about them.
And then the whole with my dad, really only having a relationship with me, kinda sorta, since i have come out, well more rather since my mom told him about it, cause she was depressed about it all. Gah its like spend time with me cause im your son not because im gay. Sometimes i just get so pissed about what my parents do because im gay rather than because im their son.
And then the whole fact that i seem to be going thru this alone. I have no close gay friends that have told family that have been like this. (NO i am NOT saying that they need to tell their family) It either seems like there family knows and its all ok, or they havent told their family at all. I would like to talk to someone on my own level sometimes. Someone that has told some family and they are trying to fight an uphill battle at times. When family puts them in christian counseling (which lucky for me, is like a huge vent session, only downside it takes 5 hours out of my day, to get there, hour of counseling and then back) And a family that tries to push you straight, push you towards "WHOLESOME" old fashion religion. (I know that God and i have had rough spots, but i havent given up on Him and he hasnt given up on me, isnt that enough????) And the fact that its like anything gay around me is bad, and talking about it is even worse.
I would just want that one person who is there, on that level, to talk to in person, a friend and nothing more. Sometimes things are just soooo hard im not sure what to do. I think thats how i started just living day by day. Because right now if i look down the road in my life, im not sure what i see, and most of it looks bad. Dammit i try to be a happy person, get all the happiness in i can, and try not to let stupid things get to me. But living day by day gets harder everyday with the real world just right around the corner. I have to think about what im going to do, even tho 90% of the time i dont want to. I dont want to plan for the next 10 years, give me back the last 7 years of my life and then we might talk.
Take me back to when i was 6 yrs old and i didnt have a care in the world expect for running outta snacks for the day. The days where i would play with all the kids, didnt have to worry about what tomorrow brought, real life, relationships, what family thought. I dont want any of it.
But its all here, and it feels like im alone, like i went first, when i wasnt ready, i want a friend that i can talk to about all this. Someone that is going thru the same thing. So when my parents do crazy things they can help me thru this all. A person that in times of need we can both help support each other, cry, and pick each other up.
So God if ya got someone like that it would be nice to know know about them.
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