Somedays i really hate this...

Somedays i really hate being gay, somedays i really would like to be straight. Just what the perceived normal relationship is a guy and a girl. I am sometimes almost jealous of those who are in a hetero relationship. I see those people and i wish that i could have something like that, but i know that if i tried i would just my lying to myself as well as my partner. And then i ask myself "well what do you want in that relationship?" usually its the guy of the relationship. Which just further more points out that a relationship like that will not work for me.

I just wish that somedays that i could be not gay. It would be so much easier for me for just life. I wouldnt have to worry about losing family and friends, and i could talk openly about the person that i meet that im head over heels for with my mom and dad. Instead my dad doesnt want to hear anything about this "passing phase" that im in, and my mom only steps in, when im sad about a relationship, which has only happened once, and she really didnt want to know about the relationship itself, just why i was sad and what she could do to help.

I just hate this somedays, it makes sure that i know that it is going to keep me from having a successful relationship with certain family and friends. And for that i hate this.

Somedays i wish i could go back and start life all over. Maybe things would be different, who knows, but sometimes i wonder.

Missing.....

I know.... well maybe i dont, but i am missing people being in my life, many which had an influence on my life, and helped me out more than they will ever know, and some have no idea that they helped me out, but they did.

I feel like i need to reach out again to those people, so they can have some part in my life again.... gosh that sounds quite selfish of me. But i miss having them in my life. And honestly i dont know what i would do if they werent a part of my life back then.

As well as i do miss the first few years of college, things seemed simple then, with the friendships and the fun times. most of which have come and gone. which just futher reminds me how much things have changed over the past few years and closely approaching the real world. Part of which scares me, and other parts which just excite me. I mean working day in and out, go to work, come home, make dinner, tv and bed. honestly thats just not that life for me. I need something a bit more active where i am moving a bit more, and going places.

I know i am freaking out quite a bit but honestly, i have felt like things are slowly falling apart around me. But im not just watching by any means, im fighting back, and kicking some butt and taking names. Its a constant juggling act right now. And i feel like i have lost some great contact with some great friends.

I really need to start those back up. Working on the list right now of people that influenced my life that i would like back in my life.... and go.....

What am i thinking....

Why?

Why something so stupid, it was so easy to before, but now i realize that was only the start of things.

When we were together it was like a constant battle between us, and would hate the fighting and the back and forth of everything. With the bad times that just took over and i could not take all the hurt and just cut the last cord. With that when everything that i ever knew, the group of friends, carefree times, and a person who knew me better than pretty much anyone.

I do miss the whole realationship part of life right now. But i know that soon will pass like always. But im left asking myself, do i miss him, or everything that i lost when it all ended. Part of me says one thing, and the other half says the something else.

I do miss that friendship that i could just talk to someone about pretty much anything, and hangout and be ok with everything. And laugh, have fun, and enjoy life.

Part of me now thinks that i really dont have anyone to talk to about a bunch of stuff that is going on in life, because at this point in time i dont feel like i have anyone around me that i can relate close to or them to me. I feel like most of my guy friends dont get where i coming from and the gay ones, are at a whole different level, and the girls i can only relate to at a certain point. I have very few people that i can relate to, and jake was someone that was at the same level and point that i was, even tho we are different we still got and understood each other.

And as far at the intimate relation, i feel like that it was right where it should have been, i with being with both guys and girls, i feel like it wasnt too much, not enough, or awkward which i have had before. And im not just talking about the sex, im talking about being alone with each other, or in some cases just being close.

I feel stupid for even thinking about him and the whole situation that goes with it. Its like a fucking addiction. One that wasnt that hard to overcome at first, but now it wont let me go any further and has me at a crosshold.

I would just like it to go away and just leave me the hell alone already. I had moved on with my life, but its back with vengeance.

So just leave me alone already.