My Dad

Time to talk about my dad a bit

Well I would really like to be close with my dad, but it has never been like that. His main focus was work. He was gone by the time I woke up, and wasn’t really around much in the afternoon. It was like he didn’t care about me at all. And when I tried to help him out, I never once got a thank you, I only got how I screwed it up. It had gotten to the point where I really learned to just phase him out of my life. (yes I know that sounds bad) He wasn’t there growing up for me, so I learned to live without a Dad, and for a time I didn’t even think of him as Dad, even thou I kept calling him that. He was just another person living in my house. The person that didn’t abandon me once, but everyday that he left the house.

But as High School ended and I had written him out of my life, He turned around not wanted me to leave. He wanted to get to know me better. It was like a stranger walking in my life.

So it has been really hard the past two years, wanting to open up to him again, when all the time I thought things had changed only to get disappointed to see that wasn’t true. He says he felt bad that he didn’t get time to spend with me. But it seems like he had time, he just didn’t choose me. I want to be able to talk to him about anything. I want to talk to him about what I want to do with my life, The guys that I think are cute, problems that I am having growing up. Part of me doesn’t think he wants to hear them, or cares about that, and even that he might go back to ignoring me.

I don’t want things like that, at the same time all I have is bad memories of him and I. Nothing really great. And over the years I have tried to connect with him, going golfing, fishing, as well as so many other things. But still nothing. The only truly happy time that I have with him, is a picture, a picture that I cant remember at all, I was quite young. But there we are both happy, and he is smiling. Something I can never remember him ever doing, especially when I was around.

I want to be able to talk to him about, everyday life. But at the same time I don’t want to get hurt, or lose what I have gotten so far.

I just don’t know what to do.

Abandoned

It was like you abandoned me

From the very start

I was so small

And you just left me

Not once, but

Everyday

It was like you could look right thru me

I was just Air

Not even there

I tried to find you

But even when you where there

I still couldn’t find you

You were lost to me

A missing part of my life

One of the most important parts

The few times I did find you

I only wanted to run the other way

Run and hide

Torn in two, dreams and hopes broken

One of the only people who could break something

Something so great.

You probably thought

I would wait

Wait for you

See me there waiting for you to come back

I could only wait so long

So long before

I had to finish that chapter

And the next one

And the next

And you weren't in any of them

I had to write you out

Had to let you go

I finished that book

Nailed it shut

Then you turned around

Saw me for the first time

But to me you were a stranger

Someone that I never knew

I tried so had to pull the nails out of that book

And write you back in

But they wouldn’t give

And the ink had dried

And the pages were filled

Now I don’t know what to do

You are there

Wanting to be written back in

But im not sure how to

After all the times that I was let down

How do I write

Someone back in

Someone like that

Someone that brings back all the sad memories

Someone that I one have one happy memory

That of a picture that I have clung to

A picture that I don’t even remember

You were once lost

Time has pasted

I don’t know if its possible to go back

Back and rewrite the pages of my life

All cause you abandoned me

From the very start

Abandoned everyday

For twenty years

How can I go back that far

How do I write someone

Someone that was lost to me

Post Secret

Some post cards from Post Secret about being Gay. Some good, some bad, some controversial.

Missing Something?

It feels like i am missing something. Mainly like i want to be with someone.

But not just any one, its like i want a great guy, one who understands me, and is laid back.

I need an Ianto Jones

That would be great to have, someone like that.

Guess i will just have to wait for now.

Glad that i have many other things to keep me busy.


As for dating right now im in between wanting to and not wanting to. So i guess if you dont know just dont do anything. Hmmmm im not sure at all. Right now im too busy for that tho. Who knows what will happen down the road.

Numb

I walk around numb as can be

I feel nothing anymore

Everything is in a haze

A fog that never lifts

Its not that I have tried to change

I have, and I have nothing

Nothing to show

Nothing to have

Nothing to hold

Just nothing

It's a lost cause

The path is set

Nothing can be done to change it

Fate is far gone

Hope and Faith

Still for a better day

All I do

It try to is find my place

To be a warning

A step for those to weak

I push them closer

Closer as I fall further

In hopes to change just the right life

Still the numb kills everything

But when you are numb

You feel no pain

And when you have no pain

You are immortal

Able to be stronger than before

Able to fight longer

Able to stand against the winds

Able to be a rock for the others

Able to help them when they need it

So bring on the numb

I have nothing

Nothing except to help the others

The others that I still care for

Even when I numb

I reach out for them

Grab the by the hand

In only hopes to help them

If I can save them

While I go down on my own ship

It is worth it all

Worth every moment that I have to suffer in the end

To see that they have made it thru

While I am left to fend

The numb is not meant to save me

It is used to save others

And it only takes one to be equal

And the numb is so worth it