Lonely Days

So today i have been feeling really lonely and wishing that i had someone. I saw my Ex today and i missed him, but i know that he is back with God. And even tho i miss him the bad times still keep me away, i know that i have to move on right now. It really hard right now, but i think that i will make it thru. i know that my Ex is having a hard time but it on the right path, and is better off without me. So im somewhat moving on and trying something new.

I want to date some people, i have never really dated at all, it would be nice, to date.

So i have been looking for some people to go on dates with.

the first is Lunch Guy, he is a year older than me and i see him a lot at lunch, i have talked to him a few different times online, and by a few i mean that i send him a msg and he sent one back. But hey its a start, which is always good.

And the second is Club Guy, i saw him the other weekend at the club and was pretty sure that he was interested he is shorter than me and about my age. But i didnt get to talk to him, he left before i could get a chance, so hopefully he will be there when i go back the next time.

So maybe im not so good at this dating thing.

Eh who knows, right now i would be happy with a cuddle buddy, thats what i really need right now.

So its hard by i try not to go to my friends that much about all of this, they have their own problems to worry about. So i just live day by day.

But it would be a better day if i had someone to cuddle with every once in a while.

I am a Christian - By Carol Wimmer

When I say... "I am a Christian"

I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."

I'm whispering "I was lost,

Now I 'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian"

I don't speak of this with pride.

I'm confessing that I stumble

and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"

I'm not trying to be strong.

I'm professing that I'm weak

And need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"

I'm not bragging of success.

I'm admitting I have failed

And need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"

I'm not claiming to be perfect,

My flaws are far too visible

But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"

I still feel the sting of pain.

I have my share of heartaches

So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"

I'm not holier than thou,

I'm just a simple sinner

Who received God's good grace, somehow!

V-day

Well today is Valentines Day its bittersweet it is. On one hand, this year is much better than last year

Last year i spent the whole day laying in bed crying my eyes out, cause the one i loved said a few weeks before that he didnt love me and he loved his ex BF that he had gotten back with. And then talked to me about what he was going to do for his BF and all the amazing things, even tho he didnt mean to, it made me feel worse, and then when things werent going his way and his plans didnt work out as he hoped i had to tell him that he still had time and be there and tell him what he needed to do, while having my heart torn in two. Lets just say that the day was not fun at all

This year i dont have anyone, but it more my choice than anything, i have dated the guy that hurt me and it was great, but things were just not as i hoped they were. i just couldnt provide time enough for a relationship as i hoped to. So things ended

But now i just want someone to spend this day with, i just want someone, i now it sounds selfish but still. it would be nice to just fall asleep in someones arms and have fun with.

Even tho the day is almost over it just reminds me of what i dont have, i dont have a relationship and i miss not having one.

But this weekend should take away that, im going out with friends and going to the club to dance and let loose and have some fun. So with plans for the weekend things should be better.

Who knows what love has in store for me.

Missing: Love

Love

Where are you

where have you gone

You are spose to be here

But you have decided to skip me this year

I guess it what I asked from last year

But I want someone to have and to hold

Someone to be there with and for

I just want love this year

I know that it doesn’t work that way

But cant you make it happen

Just for today

But this year is better

Thank you for that

As long as its better I guess that I cant complain

You have done at least something

And it improving each year

I give me hope for years to come

Of what you have in store

So I guess I can keep missing love

And make it thru today

I hope next year you keep making it better

And with each year I will be closer still

Even tho I miss you

I know that you are right around the corner

Whats Happening Now

Well as some may know i have officially ended things with my BF. Things were just to stressful with the fighting, school, and the drama with friends.

Even tho it was hard to end things, and i didnt want to, i knew that it was the best thing to do.

Well now i feel very lonely and miss having someone to snuggle with and just have fun with. it would be great to have just someone that i could be close like that too.

The friends that i have very few of them seem close and i am thankful for the ones that are close and that i can talk to. the others seem so far gone in some other reality that they dont care what is happening in this world at all.

And after things were ended between my BF and me. i was upset that my BF started talking to his EX as well as too 2 other people that liked him, and then he kissed one of them as well as went out places with just Him and one of the guys who likes him alot, which just happens to be my roommate from last year. And my roommate has taken up to bad mouthing me behind my back. UGH it just makes me mad, i mean he says that he is sad but then he goes and does these things, i mean so what it he is using these things to "feel better". When people are telling him left and right that they have a thing for him, and want to hang out with him and then he does im like ya that feels SOOOOOooo great that you are hurting about this too. And it seems like he didnt care about me at all.

Now i just want someone to cuddle with and to be next to me. Its lonely right now, spending some weekends by yourself is just not fun at all, and you feel like no one cares about this all.

If my exBF can do things i should be able to do things, right??? idk

And in all of this God is still there, and we talk alot, mainly about other people, i think i have prayed enough for me, i pray for others a lot, family, friends, and my church which is struggling with soon to be just a youth pastor, since we have lost 5 main leaders in the past 5 years. and are going to be losing another one, shortly. So God and I talk about life and mainly others, i think i prayed for me enough last year during the whole "dark months" in my life. ill have to post about it later. And really me praying for the past 6 years about being gay, and such didnt change much, so now i focus on others that need the prayer more than me. And i have seen some people do much better. So i think he is working for other, sometimes i am mad that He doesnt work for me as well as He does for others. But i know that He has something up his sleeve, or at least that i hope He does.

So thats about it,
Im lonely, talking to God, a little mad, thankful for certain friends, and praying for others.