So i have being reflecting on a lot of things lately. And its gonna be something that ill prob have a while to think about, i just needed to get all this out somewhere.
Well the first thing is the whole family thing. Its still rough and the whole topic of me being gay just isnt talked about at all. It sucks i want to be able to bring a guy home without my parents freaking out about it. I want to be able to have him stay in my room. But at this point i can only just pretend like nothing is going on at all. Its just not great, somehow i make it thru all of that when im at home. At the same time i have realized that most of my family is quite a bit older than me, and the fact that im over 1/5 of my life, thats hoping if i live till im 100. But that fact that my parents are not young, im just thinking how much time do i have till they are gone. I still have so much that needs to be done. I want them to be ok with me, with life. And i want to work things out with my Dad. Its gotten to the point where i know they wont be around forever. But do i want to go on acting like nothing is wrong till then? I just want to be ok with everything and work these family issuse out. Its just seems like the clock has started ticking faster.
The second thing is that i dont want being gay to define who i am. Im not saying that its not a part of who i am. But its not everything, its just a part. Just like most people dont let there sex, race, eye color define who they are. There is just so much more to me. I dont want people to remember me as being gay, i want people to remember me as all of me. Sure it is a pretty big part of me, i just hate that when thats people only see me as.
Then doing something great with my life, i want to leave a positive mark on this earth. I want to do something, not sure what that something is yet. It might be some planning, paranormal, or helping youth with religion, who knows what it might be. I just want to help people out, and make things better. Its weird but i feel like ill do something great, ill talk about why later, but something great for someone. Even if i change someones life for the better thats all i can ask for.
This isnt easy to think about when i dont even know what i am going to be doing a few months from now, or the fact i have no idea where i will even be at. Which is part of an advanture, but at the same time makes it hard to work everything out.
So i have a bit to think about, i guess ill just have to try to work on everything as it comes. And just have faith that everything will work out.
1 comment:
Okay, I don't normally admit to reading your blog, but your last post was beautiful. I cried...maybe. If you ever need anyone to talk to or at for that matter, you know I am always here - and I am going through the same things.
As far as the one positive mark, I am sure you are already at a couple; but i know what you mean. Life is about leaving it better than we found it.
Thank you for being so candid.
-Kevin
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