Another Black Holiday

He was gone, really gone, it finally hit me right then and there. Driving in my car right as the music faded and the rain started to fall, watching as the sky changed and the storm moved in, i knew i was not going to make it to the city and spend New Years with my friends there. At the moment my phone rang. Home, it said. I answered and only heard, "He's Gone". Now things had changed, and everything just would not be the same. As the storm picked up my new destination was to get home. The storm turned from rain to snow pure white and very slowly started to cover out the color of the world. As i got closer and closer to home the sound of sadness could not be drowned out no matter how fast i drove, or how loud the music was. As i pulled in to the snow covered driveway a hush fell over the household, i knew that when i walked in it would not be the same household that i left hours before. And that the late nights of not being able to sleep would be fueled by sadness rather than concern and care as we watched over him. The door open, tears in my families eyes, the stairs seemed to go on forever. His room held the feel and smell of death as he laid there motionless on his bed. "He wanted something to eat, and by the time i got back he was just gone" my mother said. His skin just hung on his bones, and he really didnt look like himself at all. As my hand touched his cold empty hand my eyes filled with sadness. The time had just slowed to a shattering stop. The family comforts one another, and then slowly leaves the room. I just need to be alone and go find a place alone in the house to just sit and think. Time drags on for what seems like days even though i know its still not the new year yet. My mom announces that they will be here soon to pick him up. As well all pay our last respects and pray, death shows up in human form. Death wearing black and dark clothing, floats in, asks the mandatory questions and goes to collect their soul. They bring in their cart, and carry him over to it, asking for a bit of assistance with their newly collected soul. Why i thought would i help Death? i thought as i just stood their, i couldnt move anyway, why would i want to move to help them. They get the soul on the cart as it makes a horrible screeching sound when the soul is placed upon deaths cart. They say their last words, and cover him up. It looks so much different in really life than on tv or movies, i thought. they took him out even thought the aura of death still filled the house. One of death's collectors had forgot his coat and i followed out to the car to hand it to him and had to watch as He was put into the back. Death thanked me for the coat, and then was gone, i walked slowly up the snowcovered side walk telling myself not to look back, but to keep looking forward. We all went back to our spots and just sat in silence as the darkness crept into the house. As the new year started to creep up emotions ran a bit freer and then i looked for an escape and found a friend and a bar to drink to life, death, memories, and a better days.

"And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
'Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
'Cause everyone is forgiven now
'Cause tonight's the night the world begins again"

RIP - Norbert Boehler 1919-2009

Winter Break

Oh medicated breaks deff mean that it is christmas time, one of the only ways to get through the holiday season with the family, helps me sleep thru the night with out the nightmares, for the most part, stay calm during the day while still be able to get thru it. Very nice for the holiday season. It takes a lot of stress out of the month of so when i am at home.

With parents dealing with my sexuality
My grandpa that is barely making it thru the night
And a bunch of family all in the house, never really getting a min to myself ever.

Never really sleeping very much the past week due to taking care of grandpa, and screaming kids. even with pm meds it sometimes does not help.

But ill make it thru this break, somehow, i just hope it ends well for all of us.

Where was i for this???

So this thanksgiving i guess i can be thankful for being the last to be told that once im done with college i wont have a place to call home. My sister has been looking for a house for the past two years, since she has gone back to school and couldnt hold a job go to school and pay for a house. Now she is done with school has some loans paid back and now out and working. So she has been looking for a house, hasnt found something that works for her, so she came home and asked dad if she could buy the house from them. He said yes and the papers have been signed and everything is now in motion. Now my parents are looking to downsize to a smaller house for just them and my grandfather.

I had no idea that any of this was taken place until my other sister brought it up randomly, and it was then explained to me. And i found out that home would no longer be home any more. And that when my lease for my house runs out here at college, i will be out of school and have no place to live. So buy Aug i will need to get every thing under control, find a place to live and a job to support myself.

Lets go Dating

So its about time to get back on the date train. Go out, have fun, and meet some great guys. And honestly there are two very different guys out there right now. I have one who just happens to be almost twice my age, and even tho he is older than i am he seems great, has fun, great personality, and i can actually talk to him about things, and it just not all about sex with him. And even though he has a fun kid side to him, there is not that high school drama thing that people tend to have as well. No little drama is a good thing. The only bad thing is that he is quite a bit older than me. Only if i was older or he was a bit younger, than things would be great. We have kissed and there seemed to be some thing nice there, the age thing still bothers me a bit, but honestly i would like to spend some more personal time with him and get to know him better and see where things go from there.

Then there is the guy who i work with, and he is still kinda young, and not by age, more so by mentality. There is a lot that he still has not been thru, as well as he does have a ex that things and wrapped up and tangled and confusing. I have been down the road before. So he is also someone that i work with. And i have never really seen people that work together, unless they are married, work out too well. And then when things are done, then you still have to work with them. When you still have to work with them things can get awkward and messy. So he is nice and great and we have gotten to spend some personal time with him a few times. We have gotten close when we have spent time together, but still havent kissed. I feel like that will set the ball into motion really fast, and honestly i dont think either one of us are ready for that.

I think that there is someone out there, i just have to look a little bit, work on who i am, and be a bit more confident in my personality, and work on a few things. But i feel like i will find someone. Just need to figure out what i am doing in life a bit first.

Ianto or Jack, which is which again?

So something i have wondering the past few months was if i am more of a

Ianto, trying to find a nice older guy that i can show my vulnerable side to and he can take care of me. Finding someone that is a bit mysterious but is mentality strong, at the same time being the one who has fun and knows how to run business when it needs to happen. Much more of a subtle humor.

Or if i am

Jack, a strong mysterious guy, a bit closed off, looking for a guy that can make me laugh with subtle humor, and be able to be open with me. I can be a strong person for him during times of need. And then when the time comes have to be looked up to and set an example. And be there to help him out when i need to.

Honestly right now im kinda a mix between the two, so im not sure if im looking for a Ianto or a Jack right now. Some days its one and some days its the other.