Crazy Sick

So i got really really sick this past week, it was really pretty bad i have to say.

I just laid in bed for 3 days cause it hurt to move or do anything, and i really couldnt sit up for a few days. Trust me its wasnt fun.

I had some crazy dreams with it too. Apparently i drown with a bunch of other people my age, and they brought us back to life but to do so i had to life the drowning, so i kinda drown twice, and then they pumped the water back out of all of our bodies. And for some reason the atoms in our body were mixed up, so they had to break all of our atoms loose so they could move around. The Atoms painfully moved back into place, this took a very long time.

This was the crazy dream that i had when i was able to sleep. But i was only able to sleep when i was medicated up and only for about an hour at a time. Going from soaking the sheets with sweat to freezing and not having enough sheets on me. I hate being sick like that. They only time that i ate was when i had to for my meds. Otherwise i didnt want to eat. so i think i ate 5 times the whole week.

But now im doing much much better so glad to feel great and healthy. Just hoping i dont get sick again. i usally do every spring. Every spring semester in college i have gotten sick twice no fail. Hopefully i can avoid it. well see what happens

The Doctor is in

some times stress sneaks up on me, and yes it sucks, i have been thinking about things alot. And right now just seems like one of those times.

Sometimes in my life i feel like i am playing life doctor, most of the time i have to say it is nice to help people out, but sometimes i swear that i just am too stressed too fed up with the person or topic that its about that i dont even want to help. But something in me still helps out the person. Sometime i just wanna sit down and just tell my self all the problems, sit on the lounge and just talk everything out and come up with solutions. Who knows i just may do that. Sit and just talk out loud about everything.

But sometimes its a great life to help someone, like a random person that you dont know. I had a random person ask me for help on facebook and they were topics that i have been thru. These were very hard topics, and i was able to help a random person that i have never met and is not even in the same country. To me that was great to help someone that was going thru something that i have been thru. I really wish that i would have had some, or tried to find someone to help me thru those topics. Let me tell ya they werent the easiest to deal with. Family, being gay, religion, suicide, depression, and dealing with surviving highschool. Well lets just say that it wasnt the easiest to deal with. Thats why is was great helping someone that was going thru those same things. As well as talk to him later to see that he has been doing great.

Honestly it makes me feel like there WAS a reason that i went thru all of those things.

Makes me think that all of that wasnt just for nothing after all

Toughts gone wild

So i have being reflecting on a lot of things lately. And its gonna be something that ill prob have a while to think about, i just needed to get all this out somewhere.

Well the first thing is the whole family thing. Its still rough and the whole topic of me being gay just isnt talked about at all. It sucks i want to be able to bring a guy home without my parents freaking out about it. I want to be able to have him stay in my room. But at this point i can only just pretend like nothing is going on at all. Its just not great, somehow i make it thru all of that when im at home. At the same time i have realized that most of my family is quite a bit older than me, and the fact that im over 1/5 of my life, thats hoping if i live till im 100. But that fact that my parents are not young, im just thinking how much time do i have till they are gone. I still have so much that needs to be done. I want them to be ok with me, with life. And i want to work things out with my Dad. Its gotten to the point where i know they wont be around forever. But do i want to go on acting like nothing is wrong till then? I just want to be ok with everything and work these family issuse out. Its just seems like the clock has started ticking faster.

The second thing is that i dont want being gay to define who i am. Im not saying that its not a part of who i am. But its not everything, its just a part. Just like most people dont let there sex, race, eye color define who they are. There is just so much more to me. I dont want people to remember me as being gay, i want people to remember me as all of me. Sure it is a pretty big part of me, i just hate that when thats people only see me as.

Then doing something great with my life, i want to leave a positive mark on this earth. I want to do something, not sure what that something is yet. It might be some planning, paranormal, or helping youth with religion, who knows what it might be. I just want to help people out, and make things better. Its weird but i feel like ill do something great, ill talk about why later, but something great for someone. Even if i change someones life for the better thats all i can ask for.

This isnt easy to think about when i dont even know what i am going to be doing a few months from now, or the fact i have no idea where i will even be at. Which is part of an advanture, but at the same time makes it hard to work everything out.

So i have a bit to think about, i guess ill just have to try to work on everything as it comes. And just have faith that everything will work out.

New Years in New York

So its the end of another year and the start of 2009, it feels like there is time for a change. One in which i take advantage of things that i have.

I must say it was a great way to start 2009 standing in New York City. It was not easy getting there but i must say i enjoyed that i made it. Not only was i told that i was being irresponsible by spending money on something so stupid when i dont put any money into my education and just blow all my money on things so stupid. This is what one of my parents said to me. And if ya dont know which one it was, just read past blogs.

But ya my dad and i are very different, and he realizes these in some aspects but stills thinks that i have no idea what im doing. And he does a pretty good job at convincing me that i dont. I wasnt sure anymore at one point if i wanted to go to New York or not. But we are two different people, he spent all his time trying to pay for school and work in his younger years to make money didnt go very many places. And there is me the one who plans on using these opportunities to go places do things. And then later in life focus on my family and being with them. Im glad that i can do these things and try and want to take full advantage of them.

This is something that im trying to do more of this year and for the rest of my life.
Instead of asking why, asking why not. That way i wont look back and wonder what would have happened if i did that, i will know. I want to take full advantage of life. And its always a new day, and something new can always happen. Along with that i want to be more healthy get in shape and just have a great year.

So many things that this year will bring, all of which i am excited for.

Come on 2009 lets have an awesome year.