Am i missing out?

So i now know that i have bad timing, Johny is now in a relationship yes i know, i have bad luck right now.

Yes i do feel like i am missing out on something, mainly a relationship. Even tho im not sure if im ready for one yet. i guess i just want to leave my options open right now. Hmmmmm im just all sorts of confused right now.

Who knows.

A Crack in the Support

I try
Try to stand up
There with no support
None to hold me up

All the support is gone right now.
None close, all far away
No support to fall on

Falling thru air
And having no one there
No one to catch me as i fall

All those that try
Will fail in the end
They cant stand the pressure
Cracking under it
Breaking down, till there is no more

Having to stand on my own,
Support my self
Till the others return

Only they can stand with me
Only they can support me when i fall
They dont crack, dont break

They are solid
Something that doesnt move
Something that is stable
Someone that i cant burn

But until then i will just fall
But supporting my self
Trying not to fall
Even the fall is slow
Its a risk i dont want to take.

A risk to great
So i pull my own self up
Support the Support

The facade untouched
The doors locked up
The damage wont be seen

Its better that way
Just support the support
Try to stand.

Parents

I knew that my parents werent over this whole me being gay thing. My mom freaks out, and thinks that im going to gay clubs, getting drunk every night, doing drugs, and sleeping with all the guys at the club. None of which i do. Even tho i did promise to go with one of my straight friends to a gay club. But the main reason is cause she thinks i am going to slip into a depression again. Well true that it kinda sucks feeling alone, but i have so many other things going on that depression is one of the last things on my mind.

And as for my dad, i feel like i..... well i dont know. i guess i am a little depressed about that. But i talked to Joe, councilor/mentor, about it. and i have found out that i do need to do something about it, otherwise it will only hurt me down the road. So i have to, either cut him outta my life, change my dad from a father figure to a peer, or try to get him to be a father. Well im not sure if i want him outta my life right now, and if i try to have him as a peer, there is nothing there in him that i see in my peers, so he would be cut outta my life like that. So talking to him seems to be my best bet but i dont know how to do it. I dont want to make things worse. And i really dont know him well enough to be able to tell how he would react or what he would do. And yes i know "sometimes you have to take big risks to get big results" but i dont want to destroy my one and only chance i have at changing my relationship with my dad.

These are deff things that have been weighing very heavy on my mind the past few days. something that i will have to think about for a while i think.

Timing??? Not so good.

I swear my timing could not be any worse, i start somewhat falling for people. And the people that i cant have. Why the hell does that seem to always happen

One, named JC, (and yes im naming people now i guess) i have gotten to known better over the past year, and then i start to think that he is cute, bad thing is that it wont work, cant really write why but just wont, and the fact that he has a BF. Why do all the ones i kinda fall for have BF?

The other is Johny, i know him thru mutual friends, and we kinda know about each other, and i have thought that he was nice from the very start. But he isnt looking for anyone right now.

As for me, im not sure, dating, not dating. Really not sure about the whole thing right now. But there is still a month left before college starts back up again. Who knows maybe i will sort everything up by then.

The Future

So i have been think about the future, mainly about having a family down the road. At first i thought having just a max. of 3 kids would be more than enough. Now i kinda want a big family. As well i want to include my close friends as family. I want the kids to have many different adults in there life with many different backgrounds. So they always have someone to talk to and lean on in times of need. I think that would be a great family. As well as having the family around the world. Were they can go later in life and have people that i am close with look after them when i cant.

But enough of that, lets talk names.

So for Boys i have picked out
- Craig
- Rhys
- Ianto
- Connor
- Dante
- Owen
- Demetrius
- August
- Bento

And for Girls (they're just ok right now)
- Riley
- Ari
- Cheyenne
- Mckenzie
- Jacqueline
- Tegan
- Annaliese
- Lynn

So thats my family talk for now.